secretly....i'll admit it.

i am a lonely human.

ever since i was eleven or twelve,
i've read my fair share of romance novels.

i'm a sucker for a happy ending.
i love everything about romance:
kissing, hugging, cuddling, laughing, learning.

i can't wait to be married and do married things.
like:
cooking. cleaning. waiting at the door with a kiss.
having babies. painting bedrooms.
kissing away hurts. applyign band-aids.
be boring. grocery shopping.
going to bed early.

but, to my dismay, i have no prospects.
guys don't acknowledge me.
i'm just the loud, crazy girl. with the funny hair.
i'm the best friend.
one of the guys....

i don't like being those things.

i want to be a princess.
a lover. sometimes a hater.
i want to be kissed, carried, and snuggled.

but guys don't see me in those ways.
i'm one in a million.
i hope that's not something negative.

i won't change to meet a guy.
i'm jaycie. plain and simple.
i bite. i pretend to be stealthy.

i just dance the way i feel.
i just hope that's enough...

...dirty feet...

my feet are dirty 92% of the time
because i don't like to wear shoes.
i LOATHE them.

and i should be a plumber.
i've already nailed the requirement about butts that hang out.
i can't really help that either.
i don't particularly enjoy belts.

my hair is usually pretty savage. i like it crazy.
medusa curls.
faux hawks.
doesn't matter. i'll rock it.

i'm the girl who jams out to music, even when people watch
and give me that, "you are a crazy human!" look.

speaking of music...
i dig it all. don't call it bad taste.
it's just different from yours.

today, i took the day off. actually, i was sick so i spent
the day in bed. sleeping and thinking.
thinking and sleeping.

lately in my life, i've been thinking a whole lot about the person i am.
the person i'm becoming.
and i have to admit, i'm liking this girl.

i make mistakes. daily, i'm sure.
but i smile more way more often than i cry.
and life is good.

i like it simple. when i can run around barefoot.
bury my feet in the sand or sit on the curb and let them dangle in the ditch.
(only as long as the ditch witch isn't around though!)

i've got a pretty vivid imagination.
i've been hurt
a few times too many.
but i love. that's something i can't help.
i'm nothing if i can't love. and no matter how hard i try, i can't withhold love.
i care. about anyone and everyone.

my friend shared this quote with me once:
"some people come into our live and quickly go.
some stay for awhile and leave
footprints
on our hearts.
and we are never, ever the same."

i believe that everyone has a story, something they have to offer the world.
and sometimes it's our job to coax the story out of 'em.

i have a story. it's a hard story.
sometimes it makes people cry.
sometimes, a lot of the time, it makes people laugh.

i'm starting some new adventures soon.
school is coming to an end so i'm going home for a little while.
brent, brandon, and i are going to have a beautiful may.
that will be followed by a moving june.
a learning july.
a new beginning august.
and a routine september.

i'm not much of a planner. i don't see a point.
God knows where i'm going. maybe better than i do.
i have an idea. but i'm not completely sure yet.

until now, i tended to dwell on things.
i don't like to let go.
so i don't. i hold on and reminisce.
but i have a feeling i miss things because i'm busy
looking back.

from now on, i'm letting go.
i'm taking things in. breathing in the new moments.
the new experiences.
i'm saying goodbye with a smile, not with tears.
i'm done dwelling. i'm standing up.
i'm walking.

i'm learning.

i'm growing.

i'm being the jaycie i want to be.
the one who smiles and growls like a savage.
the devious, book stealer.
the wiggly, giggly, lighthearted jaycie who's been in hiding.

and i'm going barefoot.
just because i don't like shoes.

<3>

the days between...

it's interesting how people say moments shape them. i often find myself listening to stories and asking other questions.

how did the person you're telling me about become the person i see in front of me?

and often i'm led to wonder about the days between. when things become mundane, forgettable even, where do you go?

What makes you smile, brings you joy?

sometimes i don't get a story. sometimes i only get the remnants, the memories. and i'm forced to put them together alone. it's funny how the pieces get put together differently over time, as i grow in others and in myself.

it's the days between that shape us. it's the rhythms and grooves we fall into that prove us worthy or unworthy.

moments can have an effect, yes. but it's wise to count the days between. you don't get anywhere on dreams alone. steps are required. and every step just puts you closer to where you're going.

where you're going is great. and it's different from where i'm going. we can't help it. we're different, you and i. and so will our destinations be different.

i won't cry when you leave.

(okay, i might....only they won't be tears of sadness, but tears of happiness that you came in the first place.)

i'll sit down and think of you. i might sit awhile. you're certainly worth the thought.

eventually, i'll stand back up. i'll dust off my bum, smile to myself a little, and take a few more steps.

i'll secretly hope that our paths meet again. only time will tell if i get my wish.

if i do, i'll smile and laugh. and if i don't, i'll still smile and laugh. i can't help it. it's just me. and you're just you. you can't help it. just know you've touched me. my life is different because you walked through it, because you stuck around during the days between.

we've had our moments. my heart will cherish those. but it's the days between that i'll always be longing for. when we just were. there's some magic in 'just being.' that's what i'll miss of you, of us, of me.

life is a journey. you are one of my adventures. sometimes adventures are holes we unknowingly dig for ourselves. and sometimes they lift us up. just when we think we know which is which, our minds can be changed.

i'd like to think the best, that i've been lifted. but the little pessimism inside me whispers that maybe you're just a detour, not where i'm supposed to stay. but i need you, so i won't let go.

maybe you're a drug, an addiction i can't break from. maybe i'm just fascinated by your wit, your body, your charm. perhaps i'm trapped and can't get out. i won't tell. and if i do, i have a feeling you won't hear. i'm okay with that. i promise.

<3>

i just can't help but smile! :)

i have a terrible habit of reading
the last chapter
of any book i find myself interested in.

i'm a sucker for a happy ending.

and so i must see how it ends before i can let loose and enjoy.

lately though, i'm not so interested in the outcome as much as the adventure that it comes with.

one of my bffs, Kady is her name, gave me a key chain for my birthday a couple years ago. it's inspirational and though the words are always the same, the meaning changes. it says, "every step of the journey is the journey..."

i love these words.

speaking of love, i must admit to being very cynical towards love.

i'm also very hopeful.

(it just depends on the day!)

but i'm happy, oh so happy...and i'm content.

and for the first time in my life, i'm willing to wait things out.

today, i'm hopeful. and i love so many things...
curly, medusa hair.
road trips.
conference.
good friends.
long, hot showers.
cuddling.
wallice.
playin' the piano.
clean laundry.
ingrid songs.
sleeping in.
twinkly lights.
lava lamps.
hoodies.
dancin' around in my undies.
juno.
consequently, juno quotes.
macaroni & cheese.
cute new toenails.

life is great. and it's just a ride. i shouldn't take it so seriously; no one gets out alive.

every day, i have new experiences and learn new lessons about love, life, and myself. i'm having an adventure. one of the grandest adventures....i'm young. but i'm also old. and i'm wise. but i play. i think a lot. and i love to live.

i have taken lots of steps on my journey.

sometimes, i need to sit down to take a breather.

sometimes i stumble. sometimes i fall down a few steps.

and sometimes i take them in leaps and bounds.

the more i think about it, the more i'm realizing that even if i were given the chance, i wouldn't read my last chapters. i'm content to walk on curbs, skip over the cracks, and jump in the puddles.

and i'll love, live, and breathe every moment.

and when it comes time to close the book, i'll take a deep breath, sigh contentedly, and let it go.

it's just life, after all....


<3>

handprints in the cement of life!

let me just set the stage for a sec...

...four or five years ago....

whilst fluttering through the halls of school like i was prone to do, i came across the most shy human i've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

his name is Trulan. but to me he is often: Trulan the Awesome, Trulan the Computer Geek, Trulan the Shy, Trulan the Hilarious, Trulan the Witty, Trulan the Sweet, Trulan the Surprising, Trulan the Copy Man, etc.

anyways, back to the story.

well, you know me. i'm a self-assured, intimidating little runt of a girl.

and like i said, he's shy.

well....i don't remember the exact context of our first meeting, but in the end i made him blush. and when Trulan blushes, he Blushes! his ears even turn bright red, which according to him is an annoying habit they've acquired over the years.

after our initial meeting, i often waved and said Hello as we passed in hallways. we didn't exchange many words. in fact, for the longest time, i wasn't convinced that he spoke at all!

then, one fateful day, i noticed via some friends that Trulan had a facebook. i added him on a whim and promptly forgot about it.

several weeks later, he was online so i started a chat. i remember very little of it now, though the exchanges have changed my life forever.

we're unlikely friends, that's for certain.

but i think even he would agree that we didn't just meet by chance. trulan has changed my life. he's shown me that befriending unlikely strangers can change a day, a year, a life. he explained to me the difference between FPS and Strategy computer games, though when that will come in handy i'll never know! but more than anything, he's shown me that no matter how different two people are, there's a link we all share.

we're human.

we scream.
we have sugar highs.
we cry.
we are sometimes shy.
and we laugh.

we have two eyes.
a nose.
goofy ears.
arms and legs.

we have differences.
he's tall and i'm...not.
he's skinny. i'm round.
he's quiet. i don't have an "off" button.

but we're still so much the same.

people come into our lives. sometimes they go. sometimes they linger awhile. the lesson that i continually find myself learning and reminding myself of is that it's important to be open. it's important to be kind. and it's important to love. we were never meant to walk this path alone. and i have a hunch Heavenly Father sends us the people we need when He knows that we're reaching the end of our rope.

Trulan has been an example to me of what i should strive to be like. he's gentle and kind, quiet, thoughtful, and patient. and i think i've been an example to him of how to let go, to skip along the path of life without worries.

after all, sometimes it's important to sit and meditate.

and sometimes it's important to pull out the coloring books and bubbles and laugh a little! :)


~jayc