Today, i am numb. The past week has been a whirlwind of hard, stressful things, and part of me wants to tell everyone who asks me what's going on that it's really none of their business. I do recognize, however, that most people who ask me what's going on are genuinely concerned about me, so I've decided to give everyone a brief overview of what has been going on in order to answer questions.
Andrew and I got married on New Year's Eve. At the time, I had planned on leaving the church and was more than okay with that decision. There are a few things about Andrew that, because I wasn't planning on ever going back to the LDS church, were completely fine with me at the time. I love him with all my heart and was looking forward to a long, happy life with him.
A few weeks into our marriage, I started feeling prompted to go back to church. I brushed it off, knowing that if I went back to church, we'd eventually have little in common and our marriage would suffer for it. A couple more weeks went by and these promptings got stronger and stronger. I'd been feeling like maybe I should leave, but I was so conflicted because I really truly love him.
The week of Valentine's Day I decided to leave. We'd talked about the things I had issues with in our marriage, and he told me he would never be LDS, that though he'd support my choice in going, he wouldn't ever go, and that he didn't want any future children to attend the LDS church, unless I'd be willing to take them to other churches for variety.
He also told me he wasn't in a place in his life where he would be willing to give up the things that made me uncomfortable. That day, we decided to stay married. I would go back to church and work on devoting myself to my faith, and when the time came, he and I would have discussions about the things he did that made me uncomfortable. For a time, this seemed like a good solution.
Then, the night before my birthday, we went to a house-warming party where Andrew participated in things that I wasn't comfortable with. He took it way too far, and I knew if I didn't leave him then, I was never going to leave, and all i could think was, "Am I okay with that? Am I willing to keep myself in this situation? Am I willing to eventually put our children in this situation?"
Because I love him, I spent hours making lists of the pros and cons of staying. I made justifications to myself and my Heavenly Father why I should stay. I wasn't completely at peace with that decision, so at that point, I prayed. I prayed like I never had before. I prayed for peace and comfort. I prayed to be able to stay. I prayed for help to stop feeling like I should leave my husband. Still no peace. Finally I asked my Heavenly Father what he thought of me leaving. Instantly, I was filled with peace. I had my answer and knew what I needed to do. I told my Heavenly Father that before my decision was set in stone, I would talk to Andrew and give him a choice. If he would promise to give up the things that made me uncomfortable and at least be willing to have an open mind about the church, I would stay and try to work it out. I felt peaceful in that decision, but also knew that if he wouldn't agree to my terms, that I would have to leave.
The next morning, we had a very long talk about the things he'd done and why I wasn't okay with them and why he didn't feel like he should give them up. I asked him if he would quit those things in order for me to stay and he told me no, that he wasn't ready to do that. So I told him I was leaving. He asked me if I was really going to leave this time, and I told him I was.
It was my birthday, so he still took me out to dinner and bought me ice cream. We went home and watched some TV, and I stayed as close to him as possible, wanting to soak in every possibly minute I could with the man I love, knowing that within a few days, he would no longer be mine, and that I would have to be okay with that.
We didn't fight. Ultimately, Andrew understands why I needed to do this. He's said that he's proud of me for making such a hard decision and choosing to follow my heart. He said he'll miss me, that he'll be heartbroken over me leaving, but that it's better to go our separate ways now rather than a year from now, or even five or ten years from now when there are babies, cars, and a mortgage to consider.
I'm completely devastated. I am in love with him. He's one of the best guys I've ever met, and I'm crushed that though we're in love, we can't be together because of a religion and some selfish choices on both our parts. if only love were enough...
On Tuesday, with my car packed and my tank full of gas, I gave my husband, my lover, and my best friend, a final hug and a good-bye kiss, climbed in my car, and drove back to Utah to pick up the pieces of my heart, and to start over, again.
We'll be getting an annulment, which will make it financially and legally as if we were never married at all. It will be erased from history, except for our hearts, where we both know it happened. I can't speak for him, but I am so glad that it happened, that I was able to spend a tiny part of my life with the man that I loved, the man who took care of me in almost every single way. He's the man who loved me enough to let me go, who didn't ask me to stay because he knew that I probably would have.
Two days later, I still feel like my world is falling apart. I feel like I can't breathe. I'm barely eating, and sleeping way too much. I haven't unpacked my car, because it's too cold outside, and I'm in a place emotionally where I can't physically handle the cold. My heart is physically aching, and I'm feeling like a part of my heart has gone missing.
There are reports that when people lose a limb, they sometimes experience what is called Phantom Limb. It's where their brain can't come to terms with the fact that the limb is gone, and it caused them physical pain as their brain searches desperately for the limb that is no longer there. I feel a little like that. There's a part of me that Andrew filled that is now empty, and I have to come to terms with that. He's not here next to me, and no matter how many times I instinctively try to find his hand to hold or fall into his hug, he isn't there to catch me. It's my fault, as I'm the one who chose to leave, but that doesn't make me hurt any less or less real, it doesn't make this physical and emotional agony go away.
I'm trying desperately to see what the point of this pain is. I'm simply clinging onto the faith that through the promptings of my Heavenly Father I've done the right thing and that He will guide me through this.
So I ask that you all give me space and time to let my heart heal. I will talk to anyone who has questions, who needs help understanding this choice I've made. I would love to hear from people who wish to share supporting words and encourage me. What I don't need is judgement. I do not want to hear that I made a mistake, that I should have thought about all of this before I even decided to get married. I know all of those things already, and I'm sure that I'm beating myself up over this much more than anyone else could.
So please, just love me. Try to understand what I'm going through. If you want to talk to me, you don't have to tell me that you're sorry. You don't have to say anything at all. I know that you care, but that you don't know what to say. I don't know what to say to myself. I don't know what to do right now in any aspect of my life, with the exception that I know I'm where I need to be, and that the Atonement and Gospel of my Savior, Jesus Christ, will help me to mend my broken heart.
I just wish that love had been enough...
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Our new-ish place! :)
i promised this blog weeks ago...two weeks ago, to be exact. because that's how long we've been living here.
i wish i could say i had a good reason for not doing this...
i took the pictures and everything.
i was just too lazy to go to my bedroom to get my phone cord so i could upload them to my computer.
that's it. laziest human ever? yes. sometimes.
so, without further waiting, my house:
here's my bathroom. it's got his and her sinks, which we LOVE. it makes it so nice not to have to share tons of space. pardon the mess. we're still working some kinks out!
that's our shower AND tub. you know what that means? i can have a bath every single day in my huge tub. and i do. Andrew showers, and i bathe in our huge tub. another place we don't share space. i love it.
the opposite side of our bedroom.
my laundry room. we keep our tools and stuff in here too, so it's more of a utility room, but it's so nice to be able to do laundry and everything in our home.
this is our (my) desk area/medicine cabinet with a pretty good view of our dining room. Andrew's place didn't have a dining area, and it's seriously been so nice when we've had the boys to have a place to sit and eat. we've found they eat so much better when they aren't just watching a movie at the same time. plus, who doesn't love family dinner?
here's one view of our living room. this is taken with me standing in the dining room.
my super huge kitchen! i love all the space i have. i haven't decorated any of our house yet, as you can tell. we can't decide on lots of things, plus our budget is currently saying, "hey, no decorating!" but we have plans!
this is another view of the living room, from the entry way.
another view. it's not a square room, though i feel all of the pictures kind of make it look like it is...
i wish i could say i had a good reason for not doing this...
i took the pictures and everything.
i was just too lazy to go to my bedroom to get my phone cord so i could upload them to my computer.
that's it. laziest human ever? yes. sometimes.
so, without further waiting, my house:
here's my bathroom. it's got his and her sinks, which we LOVE. it makes it so nice not to have to share tons of space. pardon the mess. we're still working some kinks out!
here's our bedroom. it's way way way bigger than his place was. (i say his place because it never felt like mine. i didn't ever even unpack my stuff there.)
that's Penny on the bed. she's the dog i gave him for Christmas. She's Wallice's wife. so he wouldn't be lonely without me.
our super huge closet. there's space for all of our stuff! :) it doesn't look huge here, but it is.
anyways, that's our place! :) it's nothing super special yet, but we're getting there. all in good time. it's OUR place, and i'm thoroughly loving being a wife and sometimes-mommy! It's so crazy to think that I'm a wife with my own kitchen and bathroom...but, i really do love it! :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
unemployment blows...
i don't have a job. this is the first time since i was 16 i've been unemployed. well, actually i was unemployed for a couple weeks in October, much like this. however, the job i've applied for and am consequently crossing my fingers for, doesn't start until 2/18. happy birthday to me, i hope.
that'll be almost two months of unemployment when i finally start this job, assuming i get it. however, i'm eligible for re-hire AND i passed the assessment. so, i have high hopes.
my days now consist of loving on my man before he leaves for work.
cleaning the house. cooking, if we have no leftovers and/or i feel like it, which today i do not.
working out. when i'm not showered already, which is never. sooo...no working out. (that'll be changing almost immediately, i hope. i want to be a cute wife. not a fatty-panda wife.)
all i want if/when we find a place to live is a coat rack/hanger.
you know, the ones that look a little like stripper poles...but that isn't what i want it for.
just for coats, hats, scarves, etc.
don't worry.
i just found this gem at ikea for $29.99.
i especially like the hooks about halfway down.
just sayin'.
i might even get the matching shoe rack, which could double as a bench for me, since i'm a hobbit.
and so now you know the truth. i need a job...so that i will quit online shopping for home things.
we're still waiting to hear back on a place that we like. if it's meant to be, it will work out. but i super duper want it to, because i love it. the kitchen is big and it would be a good home for us, i think.
so, cross your fingers.
in other news, i've watched most of the first season of Girls on HBO this week. more specifically, today. since i've had some time. it's gross. don't watch it, lest you become obsessed like i have.
that's enough. i think i'll stalk out pinterest for awhile. you know, design a house i don't have yet.
that'll be almost two months of unemployment when i finally start this job, assuming i get it. however, i'm eligible for re-hire AND i passed the assessment. so, i have high hopes.
my days now consist of loving on my man before he leaves for work.
cleaning the house. cooking, if we have no leftovers and/or i feel like it, which today i do not.
working out. when i'm not showered already, which is never. sooo...no working out. (that'll be changing almost immediately, i hope. i want to be a cute wife. not a fatty-panda wife.)
all i want if/when we find a place to live is a coat rack/hanger.
you know, the ones that look a little like stripper poles...but that isn't what i want it for.
just for coats, hats, scarves, etc.
don't worry.
i just found this gem at ikea for $29.99.
i especially like the hooks about halfway down.
just sayin'.
i might even get the matching shoe rack, which could double as a bench for me, since i'm a hobbit.
we're still waiting to hear back on a place that we like. if it's meant to be, it will work out. but i super duper want it to, because i love it. the kitchen is big and it would be a good home for us, i think.
so, cross your fingers.
in other news, i've watched most of the first season of Girls on HBO this week. more specifically, today. since i've had some time. it's gross. don't watch it, lest you become obsessed like i have.
that's enough. i think i'll stalk out pinterest for awhile. you know, design a house i don't have yet.
Friday, January 4, 2013
two. zero. one. three.
it's a new year. and i'm having a new adventure being married.
i'm a domestic little diva now. watch out...pictures are sure to come.
being married is wonderful. i love this sweet man a little more each day.
yesterday he came in, looked at me, and burst out laughing.
why?
i was wearing the cutest apron my mom made for me, making some taco soup.
and he just lost it. finally he said it was because i was a cute little wife, that's all.
he told me a lady he works with said he seems really happy.
then he told me he is happy, knowing he gets to come home to a happy wife, yummy food, and plenty of cuddles.
he loves my cooking.
so, we're turning into fatties! ;)
actually, we're totes hitting the gym soon.
today i went to ikea with my friend Jen. we talked all about our men, as we're all newlyweds.
her husband, Shawn, works with Andrew.
they finally met and Shawn congratulated Andrew on our marriage.
someone asked Andrew, "you already got married again?!"
and Andrew replied, "Yeah, but this one is a keeper."
is he not the cutest?
i think so.
i've been a super brat to him the past couple days. pms brings out the absolute worst in me, and it sucks for him because i'm a monster. he's super patient and cute and just offers to love on me and listen to my silly complaints. i'll make it up to him for the next twenty-six days before the process repeats.
i haven't found a job yet, so i'm stressing about how we're going to pay our bills, but it will work out and my Handy Manny keeps assuring me that we'll be fine and that he loves me. we've been married for five days. best decision i've made thus far in my life. i love this guy.
right now he's playing battle games, cuddling the puppy i got him for Christmas. her name is Penny and she's a Jaycie-clone for when we have to be apart. he loves her. even if he won't ever admit it.
i was taking this picture and the flash went off, which made him turn and pull this face. yes, that's a headset. he talks to the buddies he plays with...his face just kills me in this one though, because it's the shock before the smile that says, "jaycie, you are ridiculous!"
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as for 2013...it's going to be a crazy year.
i'm not making any goals. i'm just going to enjoy every moment i have with this sweet man.
i'm so very blessed. it probably would help to remember that always.
i have a sweet, loving man by my side, food in my belly, two sweet little guys to love, and the best family and friends i could ask for. things will work out. and it's going to be a good year.
i'm a domestic little diva now. watch out...pictures are sure to come.
being married is wonderful. i love this sweet man a little more each day.
yesterday he came in, looked at me, and burst out laughing.
why?
i was wearing the cutest apron my mom made for me, making some taco soup.
and he just lost it. finally he said it was because i was a cute little wife, that's all.
he told me a lady he works with said he seems really happy.
then he told me he is happy, knowing he gets to come home to a happy wife, yummy food, and plenty of cuddles.
he loves my cooking.
so, we're turning into fatties! ;)
actually, we're totes hitting the gym soon.
today i went to ikea with my friend Jen. we talked all about our men, as we're all newlyweds.
her husband, Shawn, works with Andrew.
they finally met and Shawn congratulated Andrew on our marriage.
someone asked Andrew, "you already got married again?!"
and Andrew replied, "Yeah, but this one is a keeper."
is he not the cutest?
i think so.
i've been a super brat to him the past couple days. pms brings out the absolute worst in me, and it sucks for him because i'm a monster. he's super patient and cute and just offers to love on me and listen to my silly complaints. i'll make it up to him for the next twenty-six days before the process repeats.
i haven't found a job yet, so i'm stressing about how we're going to pay our bills, but it will work out and my Handy Manny keeps assuring me that we'll be fine and that he loves me. we've been married for five days. best decision i've made thus far in my life. i love this guy.
right now he's playing battle games, cuddling the puppy i got him for Christmas. her name is Penny and she's a Jaycie-clone for when we have to be apart. he loves her. even if he won't ever admit it.
i was taking this picture and the flash went off, which made him turn and pull this face. yes, that's a headset. he talks to the buddies he plays with...his face just kills me in this one though, because it's the shock before the smile that says, "jaycie, you are ridiculous!"
.JPG)
as for 2013...it's going to be a crazy year.
i'm not making any goals. i'm just going to enjoy every moment i have with this sweet man.
i'm so very blessed. it probably would help to remember that always.
i have a sweet, loving man by my side, food in my belly, two sweet little guys to love, and the best family and friends i could ask for. things will work out. and it's going to be a good year.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
we're married! :)
i promised a blog of how i came to be married.
i've been holding off, for the simple reason that we have no pictures together.
is that weird? probably...we just live in the moment rather than try to document it all the time.
it will be my mission this weekend, for sure.
*side note*
i did just try to get him to come over so i could take one of us right now.
but he's busy catching up on Dexter and thinks we should look cute in our first picture together, rather than sweats and no make-up.
*side note number two*
he came over here to take a picture. i don't look cute AT ALL in camera, so i nixed that idea.
he's so cute! :) coming over here just for a picture, only for me to change my mind...poor guy.
(i'm rocking some pms...it's moody over here, so all of that moodiness is coming from me.)
okay, anyways....
where to even begin?
three months ago Andrew and I weren't even talking.
i thought we were over for good.
a couple weeks after i moved back to utah he called me.
he said he hadn't been able to stop thinking about me since we'd stopped talking.
we started talking again, one thing led to another, and we pretty much picked up right where we'd left off.
before that he hadn't wanted to date me, but when we started talking again, he decided to give it a try.
naturally, i'm an incredible girlfriend. i really blossom when i don't have to worry about looking/acting/being perfect in the hopes that someone will want me.
he came to visit me the middle of November and we spent an amazing four-day weekend together. we saw movies, talked and laughed, went bowling (he killed me!), and at one point i was a terrible girlfriend and had to go to work.
he went to a football game with my siblings, so it was okay, but i missed him and felt terrible the entire time he was gone!
then he left.
i kept myself busy working, baking, etc. but i missed him really badly. we started contemplating the pros and cons of getting married. i had told him i wouldn't move back to Denver if we weren't married, but he still wasn't sure he wanted me forever.
then i flew to Denver for his graduation the middle of December. i couldn't have been more proud of him, getting his degree, and making his dreams come true. we had an amazing weekend, and i thought he might pop the question, but he never did! (i thought he might propose because we'd talked about Christmas gifts and he'd said silly things like, "it's going to look so sexy on you!" and things like that.)
friday passed with no proposal.
saturday was the same.
sunday he graduated and teased me about it at dinner, but still no proposal.
we got back to his place and watched some TV. i asked him to scratch my back, and decided i better lie in his lap so he could do a good job. he scratched my back for awhile and it slowed to the occasional gentle scratch. eventually i noticed he was spelling words on my back. soooooo slowly.
i didn't realize until he was in the middle of the word "you" what he was writing.
i waited patiently for him to finish writing out, "Will you marry me?" on my back, and then i wrote on his leg, "Yes!"
i turned to look at him and he laughed and said, "i'm just kidding. i don't have a ring."
i was a little bummed, but i didn't want him to propose if he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me.
i could give him some time!
the next day, Monday, and my last day in Denver with him, we just relaxed.
back up. Andrew was sick all weekend. he had a terrible cold, so we kept it to cuddling and no kissing because he didn't want to get me sick too. he still didn't feel very good, so we watched some movies and chilled. he said he wanted to take me to dinner before i left, that i should dress cute, and that he was waiting for a mysterious phone call.
initially he'd said he wanted to leave around 5, but we didn't leave until 6:30. I needed to be at the airport by 8:00, so I was a little antsy that he was taking so long already.
we went to the Park Meadows mall, where he bought me a salad from the food court. way romantic, right? NOT! at that point, i thought he might be about to propose, but i was so mad he was waiting until the very last second. after we ate, he was still looking at his phone non-stop, and then finally he asked, "do you trust me?"
i replied that yes, i did trust him. and then he got up, put on his jacket, grabbed his phone, and then left me there. i panicked a little (okay, a lot...), but finally he came back looking super irritated.
we walked to the car, holding hands and he was complaining, so i finally said, "listen, if you aren't going to tell me why you're so bugged, stop talking about it. i can't help you if you won't talk to me." also, he'd been staring at me all weekend. about halfway through the weekend, i started having serious anxiety over it, because he wouldn't tell me why he'd been staring and i was getting really panicked over it.
so he said, "like you don't know..." i didn't. obviously i had an idea, but i was just too hesitant to go there because i didn't want to be disappointed.
we got in the car and started heading to the airport and i was still just teasing him to tell me what was going on. finally, he cracked and told me everything. he got really serious and asked, "Jaycie, what if i told you there are some things in life that you just can't plan?" i panicked a little. part of me hoped he was about to propose, but a bigger part of me thought he was going to dump me on the way to drop me off at the airport.
i nodded a little and he said, "i didn't plan on meeting you. the timing really sucked and i wasn't ready to meet you yet." he said something else cute, but i don't remember it exactly. then he said, "basically, i've been trying to plan my life, but i just don't want to plan it without you anymore." at this point, he got a little teary-eyed. (okay, me too! but mostly him...) and then he said, "so I was absolutely going to propose to you this weekend. I found a ring that I think you'll love, but it's been being sized." he was waiting for a call from the jeweler that it was done.
he'd planned a proposal with people to take pictures, but that all fell through because the ring wasn't ready.
he also told me that's why he'd been staring at me all weekend. because he wanted to make sure that marrying me was going to be the best thing for both of us, and that he wasn't taking it lightly.
so, at this point we were pretty much at the airport, and i was freaking out. we didn't discuss when we'd get married, and the rest of the drive was just a conversation about when i'd be able to visit next. i told him it would probably be the middle of January and he made sure i knew he hated waiting that long.
we kissed and said good-bye and then i got on the plane home, sad to be leaving, but so relieved he wanted me for real.
the next day, we decided we better just get married asap, because long-distance was the worst. i made plans with work to leave the 28th and we planned on getting married the 31st.
fast-forward through the two longest weeks of my life...
at approximately 10:30 on Friday, December 28th, i got to Denver. the drive was long and terrible and i was sooo wiped out when i finally arrived. i walked in to Andrew's house and he met me at the door with some kissing. (i'll spare you the details.)
we made it to the couch, where i climbed in his lap so i could just be in his arms. then he asked, "do you want your Christmas present?" i knew it was the ring, which he'd picked up that afternoon. i nodded yes, and he pulled it out and said, "so, i want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you're down."
i responded, "of course i'm down." and then he opened the box!
inside the box was a smaller box. on top was a key to his place. a key for me.
then he pulled out the little box and opened it, and there sat my ring. i was a little worried it wouldn't fit, but it did. almost perfectly. he did so good!
it was gorgeous. and i couldn't stop smiling/giggling/admiring it. we had a relaxed weekend, spent some time with his two boys, William, four, and Alexander, who is two and a half. i love them. they're smart and funny and they're so smart. so, on a slightly unrelated note, i'm not at all sad that i'm now a kinda-mom to the boys.
Monday dawned bright and early. we got ready and drove to the courthouse. Andrew kept asking, "are you sure you want to do this? this is your last chance to change your mind!"
i've known i wanted to marry him for a long time, so that was easy for me.
we got to the courthouse, paid our $31.25, for the marriage license and an extra copy, gave them all of our info, and signed on the lines. we put our right hands in the air and the clerk asked, "Do you solemnly swear that you're up to no good?" we said, "Yes!" and she said, "Now you are married."
so, smiling like fools, we left. it was so fast. it took all of five minutes, the most informal marriage possible, but that part doesn't matter, because it's all the same thing. Andrew is now mine. i am a wife. Mrs. Jaycie Self. that part is still really weird, but i'm a happy clam.
we went to breakfast at the Denver diner, and i snapped some pictures.
i've been holding off, for the simple reason that we have no pictures together.
is that weird? probably...we just live in the moment rather than try to document it all the time.
it will be my mission this weekend, for sure.
*side note*
i did just try to get him to come over so i could take one of us right now.
but he's busy catching up on Dexter and thinks we should look cute in our first picture together, rather than sweats and no make-up.
*side note number two*
he came over here to take a picture. i don't look cute AT ALL in camera, so i nixed that idea.
he's so cute! :) coming over here just for a picture, only for me to change my mind...poor guy.
(i'm rocking some pms...it's moody over here, so all of that moodiness is coming from me.)
okay, anyways....
where to even begin?
three months ago Andrew and I weren't even talking.
i thought we were over for good.
a couple weeks after i moved back to utah he called me.
he said he hadn't been able to stop thinking about me since we'd stopped talking.
we started talking again, one thing led to another, and we pretty much picked up right where we'd left off.
before that he hadn't wanted to date me, but when we started talking again, he decided to give it a try.
naturally, i'm an incredible girlfriend. i really blossom when i don't have to worry about looking/acting/being perfect in the hopes that someone will want me.
he came to visit me the middle of November and we spent an amazing four-day weekend together. we saw movies, talked and laughed, went bowling (he killed me!), and at one point i was a terrible girlfriend and had to go to work.
he went to a football game with my siblings, so it was okay, but i missed him and felt terrible the entire time he was gone!
then he left.
i kept myself busy working, baking, etc. but i missed him really badly. we started contemplating the pros and cons of getting married. i had told him i wouldn't move back to Denver if we weren't married, but he still wasn't sure he wanted me forever.
friday passed with no proposal.
saturday was the same.
sunday he graduated and teased me about it at dinner, but still no proposal.
we got back to his place and watched some TV. i asked him to scratch my back, and decided i better lie in his lap so he could do a good job. he scratched my back for awhile and it slowed to the occasional gentle scratch. eventually i noticed he was spelling words on my back. soooooo slowly.
i didn't realize until he was in the middle of the word "you" what he was writing.
i waited patiently for him to finish writing out, "Will you marry me?" on my back, and then i wrote on his leg, "Yes!"
i turned to look at him and he laughed and said, "i'm just kidding. i don't have a ring."
i was a little bummed, but i didn't want him to propose if he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me.
i could give him some time!
the next day, Monday, and my last day in Denver with him, we just relaxed.
back up. Andrew was sick all weekend. he had a terrible cold, so we kept it to cuddling and no kissing because he didn't want to get me sick too. he still didn't feel very good, so we watched some movies and chilled. he said he wanted to take me to dinner before i left, that i should dress cute, and that he was waiting for a mysterious phone call.
initially he'd said he wanted to leave around 5, but we didn't leave until 6:30. I needed to be at the airport by 8:00, so I was a little antsy that he was taking so long already.
we went to the Park Meadows mall, where he bought me a salad from the food court. way romantic, right? NOT! at that point, i thought he might be about to propose, but i was so mad he was waiting until the very last second. after we ate, he was still looking at his phone non-stop, and then finally he asked, "do you trust me?"
i replied that yes, i did trust him. and then he got up, put on his jacket, grabbed his phone, and then left me there. i panicked a little (okay, a lot...), but finally he came back looking super irritated.
we walked to the car, holding hands and he was complaining, so i finally said, "listen, if you aren't going to tell me why you're so bugged, stop talking about it. i can't help you if you won't talk to me." also, he'd been staring at me all weekend. about halfway through the weekend, i started having serious anxiety over it, because he wouldn't tell me why he'd been staring and i was getting really panicked over it.
so he said, "like you don't know..." i didn't. obviously i had an idea, but i was just too hesitant to go there because i didn't want to be disappointed.
we got in the car and started heading to the airport and i was still just teasing him to tell me what was going on. finally, he cracked and told me everything. he got really serious and asked, "Jaycie, what if i told you there are some things in life that you just can't plan?" i panicked a little. part of me hoped he was about to propose, but a bigger part of me thought he was going to dump me on the way to drop me off at the airport.
i nodded a little and he said, "i didn't plan on meeting you. the timing really sucked and i wasn't ready to meet you yet." he said something else cute, but i don't remember it exactly. then he said, "basically, i've been trying to plan my life, but i just don't want to plan it without you anymore." at this point, he got a little teary-eyed. (okay, me too! but mostly him...) and then he said, "so I was absolutely going to propose to you this weekend. I found a ring that I think you'll love, but it's been being sized." he was waiting for a call from the jeweler that it was done.
he'd planned a proposal with people to take pictures, but that all fell through because the ring wasn't ready.
he also told me that's why he'd been staring at me all weekend. because he wanted to make sure that marrying me was going to be the best thing for both of us, and that he wasn't taking it lightly.
so, at this point we were pretty much at the airport, and i was freaking out. we didn't discuss when we'd get married, and the rest of the drive was just a conversation about when i'd be able to visit next. i told him it would probably be the middle of January and he made sure i knew he hated waiting that long.
we kissed and said good-bye and then i got on the plane home, sad to be leaving, but so relieved he wanted me for real.
the next day, we decided we better just get married asap, because long-distance was the worst. i made plans with work to leave the 28th and we planned on getting married the 31st.
fast-forward through the two longest weeks of my life...
at approximately 10:30 on Friday, December 28th, i got to Denver. the drive was long and terrible and i was sooo wiped out when i finally arrived. i walked in to Andrew's house and he met me at the door with some kissing. (i'll spare you the details.)
we made it to the couch, where i climbed in his lap so i could just be in his arms. then he asked, "do you want your Christmas present?" i knew it was the ring, which he'd picked up that afternoon. i nodded yes, and he pulled it out and said, "so, i want to spend the rest of my life with you, if you're down."
i responded, "of course i'm down." and then he opened the box!
inside the box was a smaller box. on top was a key to his place. a key for me.
then he pulled out the little box and opened it, and there sat my ring. i was a little worried it wouldn't fit, but it did. almost perfectly. he did so good!
it was gorgeous. and i couldn't stop smiling/giggling/admiring it. we had a relaxed weekend, spent some time with his two boys, William, four, and Alexander, who is two and a half. i love them. they're smart and funny and they're so smart. so, on a slightly unrelated note, i'm not at all sad that i'm now a kinda-mom to the boys.
Monday dawned bright and early. we got ready and drove to the courthouse. Andrew kept asking, "are you sure you want to do this? this is your last chance to change your mind!"
i've known i wanted to marry him for a long time, so that was easy for me.
we got to the courthouse, paid our $31.25, for the marriage license and an extra copy, gave them all of our info, and signed on the lines. we put our right hands in the air and the clerk asked, "Do you solemnly swear that you're up to no good?" we said, "Yes!" and she said, "Now you are married."
so, smiling like fools, we left. it was so fast. it took all of five minutes, the most informal marriage possible, but that part doesn't matter, because it's all the same thing. Andrew is now mine. i am a wife. Mrs. Jaycie Self. that part is still really weird, but i'm a happy clam.
we went to breakfast at the Denver diner, and i snapped some pictures.
(not sure why my face looks so weird...and he wasn't grumpy, he was just thinking and looking at people.)
after breakfast, we came home and i sent my man to work because he couldn't get the day off. so i went to catch up with a friend. and then i went grocery shopping, because i wanted to surprise him with his favorite food!
i made him meatloaf, his favorite potatoes, and some banana cream pie which he is obsessed with!
obviously, since i'm a chef in addition to being the best wife ever...
obviously, since i'm a chef in addition to being the best wife ever...
did we do it wrong? some people might think so, but it was kind of perfect for us. just a random, happy Monday. and the absolute best way to ring in the new year! together, at last.
and that is how i, Jaycie, became a married person! :)
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