oh, life.

my back is back to bad.
it hasn't been this bad in....months?
definitely time to see my favorite human, the chiropractor.
i could also use a massage, but who has the time?

i've spent the entire weekend at home, which has been good.
i don't relax enough, so it was good to slow it all down and regroup.
i painted my nails.
i baked.
i read books. which i love to do. and will absolutely be making more time for.
i did yoga.
i went to a spin class.
i had time to set my priorities.

that being said, i'm such a mess.
everything about me is a contradiction to something else about me.
i'm completely unsure of what to do with my life.
i know i'm going to school here at USU.
spring semester or wait until fall? who knows.
no, i'm not talking about the where to go choices.

i mean the things that make me a good person. the things that determine how my life ends up.
do i continue to be a good mormon, even though there are things i don't agree with, things that don't make sense, and that make me not want to be a good mormon? or do i overlook those things, find a nice boy to settle down with, and live happily ever after as a relief society president soccer mom? it sounds okay to me.

right now i'm torn.
i really like being bad. sinning is obviously something i'm familiar with.
being good kinda sucks. it doesn't make me any happier, as far as i can tell, however, it is a little bit more in line with how i want my life to go.
but, yeah. i don't know.
doesn't help when people are so quick to judge me. like they don't have skeletons in their own closets...
do i sound a little bitter there? oh, that would be because i am.
there's nothing more i hate than being treated like less of a person because i've made mistakes. don't pull your holier-than-thou attitude with me...it really just makes you seem scared that perhaps i actually am happy, that perhaps it would be okay to live life in a way that you deem sinful, heaven forbid.

probably isn't even appropriate to post this blog, as it's just a view into my crazy mixed up brain.
until i figure it out, i will attend church. i will be the poster child of a good little LDS girl.
i'm just saying, maybe this isn't the only way to be happy...

ugh. my back really hurts.
and that's probably why i'm such a basket case...
i don't deal with agony very well.

so here's the thing...

first things first, i'm a grown up. i've lived alone. taken care of myself, and i feel i've proven that i can make choices for myself and live with the consequences, no matter what they may be.

that being said, let me explain my reasoning behind allowing Handy Manny back into my life.
this requires a little backtracking...

when we met, i started flying out there. he came out here once.
he made it very clear he didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else from the time we started talking.

he told me even before i moved to Denver that we weren't going to be together.

he told me not to move to denver for him.
i assured him that i wasn't.

he told me not to fall for him.
i assured him that i wouldn't. i also told him he shouldn't fall for me either.

i moved to denver. and we got really close.
he kept saying he didn't want a relationship with me, that i should date other people.
he dated other people. so did i, but i still hoped we'd be together.

i never told him how i felt. i never told him that i was moving to Denver because i wanted to be with him. i never told him that i wanted a relationship with him, that i was falling in love with him.
i told everyone else, but never him.
and i didn't tell him because i didn't think it would have made a difference.
who knows now if it would have? there's no point to speculating over what might have been.

aside from the part where i was in love with him, we were best friends. we told each other everything. we called each other out on issues, we talked through things, and we made each other better people.

there was also the physical benefit of having someone else around. being lonely sucks, and when we were together, we definitely took advantage of having a person around to kiss and cuddle.
the physical aspect of our relationship was NEVER what our friendship was based on. it was only ever a perk. and anyone who doubts this on any level needs to think about it logically. he was in Denver, i was in Utah. that makes for a pretty expensive friend with benefits, doesn't it?
if he had wanted a friend with benefits, i am confident he would have found someone in Denver.
and anyone who thinks that's the only reason he's back in my life can think again. if i were still in Denver, i'd see how one could reason that it was for physical reasons. but i'm back in utah, which makes me a pretty expensive friend who's only good for benefits...

our friendship has never been--and will never be--that shallow.

then he met a girl that he liked, could see himself being with, someone he would fall for.
and i was crushed because i had been choosing to see his actions as a show of his intentions, when he'd been telling me all along that he didn't want to be with me.
i became a crazy monster because of it.

i did everything in my power to keep them apart.
i talked to her about things that were wrong with him.
things that would make her doubt him.
i pointed out her flaws to him, in the hopes he'd realize i was a better fit for him than she was.

at the end, he told me he had to try things with her.
he told me he could see how great i was, and that on some level, he thought i was right. but he had to try things with her because if he didn't, he would always regret that and always wonder how things would have gone if he'd tried that.

i loved him. i was in love with him. and i was devastated by that, because i could see that she wasn't good for him, and that i could be better for him than she was.

i knew if he chose me he'd always wonder how things would have gone with her,
and that would have killed me. it would have always made me question whether he actually wanted to be with me or if he was just with me because i'd made him choose me.

when we stopped talking, that was because of me.
i had made choices during the course of our friendship that i knew would crush him.
i had lied and kept those things from him because i was terrified of losing him.

looking back at it now, i see a huge error with my own actions. i never told him how i felt.
i was always afraid that i'd lose him. that's not a healthy way to approach any relationship...

i now, more than ever, understand what i want from a relationship.
i want someone i can be my silly little self with.
i want someone i can love fully, and who i'm not afraid to share those feelings with.
i want someone who wants me, every little bit of me.
i want someone i can be honest with, someone i can tell everything to, never having to worry about the reaction.

so, at the end, i was honest with him. i told him everything i'd done to hurt him.
and i was right. he was crushed. and he stopped talking to me, as i knew he would do.
i told him those things with the intention of breaking my own heart.
i knew he would stop talking to me, which was what i wanted because he was trying to keep me in his life as a friend.

i couldn't be "just friends" with him.
not while he was dating someone else and i was in love with him.
so, i broke my heart so i wouldn't have to try to figure out a way to get over him while staying in his life.

it was messy, because of me.

and, i was a mess after it ended. i cried for weeks. i couldn't eat. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't breathe.
but i lived. i moved on, assuming that there wouldn't ever be any closure.

two months later, i made the decision to move home to go to school.
i didn't make that decision because of him.
i made that decision because it was, and still is, what's best for me.

when he called me last week, he told me he couldn't get me off his mind, that he was miserable.
he'd ended things with the girl he'd lost me over.
and he missed me. he wasn't mad at me anymore over how things had ended.
we talked through things and left it at that. neither of us really had any idea how we wanted things to play out, and we made no promise that we'd talk again.

the next day we talked again. he asked me questions he needed to ask.
questions i answered honestly, because he deserved the truth. and because i had nothing to lose.
i asked him questions too, questions he answered honestly.

we talked the next day. and the next.
and things have come out in that time that make me really think things might go differently this time around.
he's told me very plainly what his intentions are.
he's going to try to date me, to see where a real relationship with me could go, as more than just friends.

i've told him i plan on getting married, that if this goes somewhere, i want a commitment. a serious commitment.
i've told him i'm not moving back to Denver. i moved home to go to school, and i'm not going anywhere until i have a degree.

for the first time ever, i've been completely honest with him.
he was always completely honest with me.

and this time around, having gone through the heartbreak of losing him before, i now know what i need to do to be the kind of person he deserves and who i deserve to be. i am happy with myself, which means i could be happy with him. my happiness will never again depend on him or anyone else, and i can now be truthful with him, even if that means i'll lose him again.

so, to everyone who's worried about this, who thinks i'm stupid for giving him another chance, don't.
i'm a big girl. i have thought this through, and in some ways i'm still thinking it through.
i know it won't be easy.
both he and i have things to work through so we'll be able to trust each other again.
we both understand that we were hurt by each other, and that it'll take a little while to get over that.

but, we both also know that we really missed each other during the time we weren't speaking.
there's got to be some reason why he couldn't get me off his mind.
and i'm sure there's a reason why i feel peace over this, why i'm not afraid of him hurting me.

we're going to take it really slow.
and we're just going to see where it could go.

and...if people can't deal with that...tough. i'm a big girl. and i can make big girl decisions.
i would just hope everyone in my life who wants the best for me could look past what happened then, and give him a second chance like i am. i understand that people want what's best for me, and don't want to see me make the same mistake.

i don't feel like i am. i truly feel like he's changed and is changing for the better.
the Handy Manny who broke my heart two months ago was a selfish human, one who didn't want to change.
the one who came back into my life last week has done nothing but tell me how happy he is that we're talking again, and really has made good changes in his life.
if i ever feel that he's not treating me well enough, or isn't the kind of man i want to be with, i have no problem letting go again.

so please, please just love me.

even if you don't agree, just love me anyways. if he breaks my heart again, feel free to tell me you told me so. but don't try to ruin it before it has a chance to start. he might just be the best thing for me, you know?

i really do love and appreciate my family and friends, and it means a lot to me that so many people have expressed their concern over this. and i really hope having more of the story has helped you see that i'm not just jumping back into the same situation.

honestly, it kind of hurt my feelings that people think poorly enough of me to think i'd go back to someone who wouldn't change. i am incredible. i've changed soooo much in the past five years. even now, i'm constantly trying to change myself for the better. and as such, i need someone who will engage me intellectually and emotionally. i need someone who wants to be a better person all the time, someone who is always changing for the better too. and right now, i really think Handy Manny might be that guy.

so, give us a shot. pretty please?

life's crazy...

and that's all there is to it.

i got my job back at coldstone.
not lots of working.
just covering for people who need my desperately.

i'm starting at buckle next saturday.
that means 40% off my favorite clothes.
i won't be sad about it.

and i have a love/hate with my job at conservice.
it's amazing.
i HATE going to work at 8:30.
it's too early for this sleepy kitty.

in other news...handy manny is back in my life.
we'll see how that goes.
we're taking it slow and seeing how things go.
so yeah, life is crazy.

the best girlfriend ever.

Ashlee Rose Adkins came into my life at the weirdest point in my life. literally.
i was a mess. a complete train wreck.
it was the last Monday i spend as a student of SUU, and we met at a ward family home evening.
it was the one and only time we ever spent any real time together. we sat in the shade and talked. she asked me questions, and i answered. i was SOOOO moody, so it's a miracle she even bothered to keep talking to me after that...

we're kindred spirits and we've kept in touch ever since.
we skype sometimes. we call sometimes. we text a lot.
she wrote a paper about me, in which she interviewed me because i'm her favorite human.

she knows the happenings of my life and makes me question my choices, but doesn't judge me for them..
she asks for my advice. i ask for hers. she better know i love and adore her.

she loves Wallice, but i couldn't give him to her. he belongs to me.
so i gave her Dennis. he's the cutest, sweetest little dog with skinny legs.
and a colorful belly, which reminded me of her colorful, gorgeous soul.

she's literally the sweetest, kindest human on earth. she loves everyone and is truly hurt if someone doesn't like her.
i've never heard her complain. ever. even when she was worried about getting shot in Philadelphia.
and she works hard for everything. nothing comes super easy to my sweet girl, and that sometimes breaks my heart, because she deserves the world.

and, though he's my arch-nemesis, i'd totally marry her brother Clinton Dean Adkins, just so we could be sisters, since we can't marry each other since we're both girls. which is a shame, because she's better to me than most men i know...

Ashlee Rose Adkins, i love you.

this week....

it's been nuts.
seriously.
i started a new job on Monday.
it's the M-F, 9-5 kind. it will pay the bills. so far i'm not in love, though i do enjoy the people i work with.
it's just boring, monotonous work. i imagine i'll spend a lot of time jamming out. music is allowed. which is good for me!

i had an interesting call today from an old friend.
we talked through things that have been bugging us both for a long time.
i don't know if we'll ever be friends again. that ball isn't in my court, though i'm not opposed to it.
it was good. and i'm grateful for the call.
still sad things didn't play out very well, but it's in the past.
there aren't ill feelings on either side anymore, which definitely brings peace to my soul.

i'm missing my denver people something fierce today.
i made the right choice, just kinda sucks that i had to leave people behind.

i'm absolutely joining a gym this week. it's time to take over and get what i want out of life.
the priorities have been set.
it's me time. i can't expect to find the man of my dreams if i'm not the girl of his, right?

in other news, this is the song i can't get out of my head today.
only, it's kind of reverse for me. all my life i've been bad, so now i'm being good.

new fingernail colors fix everything. now we're doing brown for fall. it's been super chilly the past few days, and i'm definitely needing some time to cuddle up with my Wallice, read some good books, and breathe for a bit.

i'm okay. i'm doing good, and things are working out the way they should, though i currently have no idea how or why that is...now, on to the post about my true love, Ashlee Rose Adkins.