this time i mean it...

i'm back. for real. and i solemnly swear i really mean it.

i had a date tonight with a wonderful guy.
he's sweet, sensitive, and we have so much in common, it's a little crazy.

today was such a good day.
went and had a massage, which really helped my back relax a little.
splurged on a new dress, since i was a. out of clean clothes, and b. nothing else fits.

didn't think about handy manny much at all today.
definitely was preoccupied by this new guy.

we had an amazing talk after our date tonight.
we both opened up about a lot of things.
for now, we'll be friends and see where things go.

he brought me flowers. he missed the memo about dandelions. but they're completely gorgeous.
maybe they are my new favorite flower?

it was a perfect night.
and i'm really excited about where things are heading in my life.
in other news, my Arrested Development obsession is getting a little out of hand.
can't wait for Burn Notice this Thursday.

i'll be home in ten days.
that means golden jade.
and visiting puppies and family.
catching up with friends.

even on my weakest days...

i get a little bit stronger.

this song's been on repeat in my head.

handy manny broke my heart. i thought he was the one.
and he's decided that he doesn't want to be. he needs to try things out with another girl.
we spent some time together this week around his roadtrip. and it wasn't the same as it used to be.
i realized i poured my entire heart and soul into a relationship that he didn't want.

the worst part for me is that it was a selfish action on his part.
i truly believe we could have been happy together.
he ignored his feelings for me because he wanted this other girl more.
he likes her better. she's his first choice.
and i'm his second choice. who makes a convenient toy to play with when she's not around.

i deserve so much more than that.

lately things have been changing. i have been changing. mostly for the better, i think.

i've quit some bad habits and replaced them with better ones.
there are a lot of things that don't make me happy.
i've realized those things and i've started the process to getting them fixed.

instead of listening to me, Handy Manny told me I seem like a two-face bitch.
i said something to him and then said it to someone else in another context, which he felt made my words to him insincere.
he didn't give me an opportunity to explain that things he'd said to me earlier had made me realize other things about myself. things that i wanted, that i need.
it's hard. having my best friend and lover decide to view me through narrowed eyes. it's hard, taking the fall for every little thing, to be yelled at for feeling a certain way and doing certain things...

but i'm getting a little bit stronger.

i love him still. and i'm sure there will always be a little Handy Manny spot in my heart.
but i'm out. i can't let this hurt me anymore. it doesn't get to run my life.
he's the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing i think about before i go to sleep.
but i haven't cried as much today.
and i'm sure i won't cry too much tomorrow.

what seemed impossible three weeks ago doesn't seem quite so hard anymore.
it feels like it's been forever since he replaced me with her.
my heart that felt like it was being ripped apart has calmed to a more bearable ache.
and i'm glad she was gone long enough for us to really get everything out of our systems.
i wish them the best. truly. if he thinks she'll make him happy, i hope she can.

and though i'm terrified, i'm also a little excited about where the road might lead me.
i have a good feeling though today.

things i've been blessed with today:
my mom and dad. even though they aren't here with me, they're never very far.
my friends. both here and back home. they keep me going when i'd rather give up.
i have james. we've got five good years in. and he's a keeper.
my back. though it's falling apart, at least i have one. and at least i can still walk.
poos and sunscreen that will melt away this hard week.
peace. from a Heavenly Father who gets it. who cries with me. and smiles with me.
grapes. because that's my favorite food today.
and pain killers that will get rid of this headache and let me sleep...

i'm getting a little bit stronger.

what the H is happening to me???

so, i went to sonic for lunch and got my usual croissant sausage sandwich, diet coke, and tots.
it tasted great, though a little bit salty.
within a half hour, i wanted to rip my intestines out.

heartbreak ruined my appetite. i started eating fruits and veggies only.
that was good.
apparently now it's all i can eat.

so....healthy is apparently my new favorite food.
i ate popcorn with m&m's the other day. it wasn't that good.
the popcorn was too salty and the m&m's were too sweet.
i wanted to trade it in for some grapes.

so, the moral to that story is...i'll just eat fruits and veggies only?
i guess my body will continue to get wicked sexy on account of i don't like food anymore...
except indian food is wicked healthy. i wonder if it would taste good to me?
i'll try that out this weekend and report back.

for now, i'm good with the lost pounds and inches that the past few weeks have brought.
i hope that will continue as i start to eat again, now that i don't feel sick to my stomach 24/7.

it's now time to watch arrested development for a bit.
then bed. so i can go play in the pool with Saemi after her nurse test.
she's going to rock it, i know.

note: i am not above soliciting friends...it's happened a few times today. i don't regret it.

i'd rather love just a little too much.

it's wonderful to fall.
let's love and risk it all.
i'd rather love just a little too much.


there's a new man in my life.
maybe it's too early to say anything, but i could really fall for this one.
unlike last time, there's just a spark. there's nothing to grow into or be one-sided with.
he is interested in me. and i'm interested back.

he is open, warm, and honest with anything i ask.
i can tell him things i don't like to open up about.

i've always heard the quote, "when one door closes, another one opens."
but this is just...wow. i don't even have words.
so far, i can't stop smiling.

who knew he'd walk in right when i gave up?
not this girl.
cross your fingers my crazy doesn't scare him away! :)

where to even start?

i've had a very, very hard week...
it started out by falling in love with my best friend. that wasn't last week, to be clear. that's been going on for a year now. only, he didn't feel the same way.
well, he did. but his feelings weren't like mine. it was like mine were neon. his were pastel.
so he started dating other girls. and found one he really likes and wants to be with.
that's when it all fell apart.

i've realized some things the past few days. you do things for people you love.
i would do anything for him, even now. but i'm not sure he'd do that for me.
i've realized i'm a placeholder for him, until someone better comes along. i deserve to be the one.
not just an option.

my heart and stomach just feel sick.
what could i have done to deserve this?
why did i fall in love with someone who doesn't want me?
what's wrong with me?
what does she have or do that's better than me?
am i not sexy enough? fun enough? smart enough?
am i not good enough?

last monday, things started to fall apart. tuesday was hard.
but i got him on tuesday night and wednesday morning.
he's been spending all him time with her ever since. and it's been killing me.
my family was here on thursday and friday, and it was great to see them.
it just sucked that i was starting to fall apart.

friday was rough.
i ate a tiny piece of pizza. then i felt sick and couldn't stand the thought of food.
i played like, 300 games of bejeweled blitz.
i worked and was kind of in a haze. i couldn't focus on anything at all.

saturday was worse than friday.
i think it was then that i realized i couldn't have him.
he doesn't want me.
to him, i'm dispensable. i'm just his friend.
i cried all day long. i ventured to walmart for food, since it's necessary for survival.
i only cried twice while i was walking around.
and then the little foreign chasier was like, "hi! how you?"
and i just fell apart. body-wracking sobs.
it was around noon, and literally all of Denver watched me fall apart.
i ate a banana when i got home. that's all i ate on saturday.
i cried on the phone at work to customers who mentioned that i sounded sad.
he brought me some of my stuff during my lunch break, and i cried.
we talked a little, and that made me cry all over.
he told me if a relationship with this girl doesn't work, we'll give us a shot.
i came home and cried myself to sleep, then had nightmares about them being together.


sunday was long. but i didn't cry as much.
i got ready and left my house. i went to REI for a bike pump and chain lube.
i had conversations with people and my voice started to sound like me again, instead of the hollow girl who took over for me on friday and saturday.
i still didn't really eat, only a banana, some grapes, and some carrots with ranch.
i cried a little at work. and then i went out with my friend Cassie.
we talked about it, and i realized i could breathe a little.

today, i only cried a few times.
i realized i'm going to get over him.
i'm going to focus on me, and love myself for a bit.
i can be his friend, and distance my feelings for him.
i can be strong for myself.
i will live.
i joined a dating website. i'm not worried about it right now, but if someone comes along, we'll see.
but when my first thought, last thought, and most of the thoughts in between are about someone else, it's probably not a good idea.
today i ate a banana and some grapes.

i have tomorrow off. i need to get my car fixed.
maybe i'll do laundry.
i might go relax at the pool, and possibly meet up with a friend for dinner. (assuming i can even eat.)
i might treat myself to a movie.
i'm picking up my friend and her husband from the airport.
and they're going to help me put myself back together.

i'm getting better. just a step at a time. that's all i can even do right now. and i think that's enough.