where to even start?

i've had a very, very hard week...
it started out by falling in love with my best friend. that wasn't last week, to be clear. that's been going on for a year now. only, he didn't feel the same way.
well, he did. but his feelings weren't like mine. it was like mine were neon. his were pastel.
so he started dating other girls. and found one he really likes and wants to be with.
that's when it all fell apart.

i've realized some things the past few days. you do things for people you love.
i would do anything for him, even now. but i'm not sure he'd do that for me.
i've realized i'm a placeholder for him, until someone better comes along. i deserve to be the one.
not just an option.

my heart and stomach just feel sick.
what could i have done to deserve this?
why did i fall in love with someone who doesn't want me?
what's wrong with me?
what does she have or do that's better than me?
am i not sexy enough? fun enough? smart enough?
am i not good enough?

last monday, things started to fall apart. tuesday was hard.
but i got him on tuesday night and wednesday morning.
he's been spending all him time with her ever since. and it's been killing me.
my family was here on thursday and friday, and it was great to see them.
it just sucked that i was starting to fall apart.

friday was rough.
i ate a tiny piece of pizza. then i felt sick and couldn't stand the thought of food.
i played like, 300 games of bejeweled blitz.
i worked and was kind of in a haze. i couldn't focus on anything at all.

saturday was worse than friday.
i think it was then that i realized i couldn't have him.
he doesn't want me.
to him, i'm dispensable. i'm just his friend.
i cried all day long. i ventured to walmart for food, since it's necessary for survival.
i only cried twice while i was walking around.
and then the little foreign chasier was like, "hi! how you?"
and i just fell apart. body-wracking sobs.
it was around noon, and literally all of Denver watched me fall apart.
i ate a banana when i got home. that's all i ate on saturday.
i cried on the phone at work to customers who mentioned that i sounded sad.
he brought me some of my stuff during my lunch break, and i cried.
we talked a little, and that made me cry all over.
he told me if a relationship with this girl doesn't work, we'll give us a shot.
i came home and cried myself to sleep, then had nightmares about them being together.


sunday was long. but i didn't cry as much.
i got ready and left my house. i went to REI for a bike pump and chain lube.
i had conversations with people and my voice started to sound like me again, instead of the hollow girl who took over for me on friday and saturday.
i still didn't really eat, only a banana, some grapes, and some carrots with ranch.
i cried a little at work. and then i went out with my friend Cassie.
we talked about it, and i realized i could breathe a little.

today, i only cried a few times.
i realized i'm going to get over him.
i'm going to focus on me, and love myself for a bit.
i can be his friend, and distance my feelings for him.
i can be strong for myself.
i will live.
i joined a dating website. i'm not worried about it right now, but if someone comes along, we'll see.
but when my first thought, last thought, and most of the thoughts in between are about someone else, it's probably not a good idea.
today i ate a banana and some grapes.

i have tomorrow off. i need to get my car fixed.
maybe i'll do laundry.
i might go relax at the pool, and possibly meet up with a friend for dinner. (assuming i can even eat.)
i might treat myself to a movie.
i'm picking up my friend and her husband from the airport.
and they're going to help me put myself back together.

i'm getting better. just a step at a time. that's all i can even do right now. and i think that's enough.

i'm back, i promise.

life has finally slowed down a little bit.
my bills are almost all caught up.
my job is going great.
i'm finally locked in my regular schedule.

and i'm happy.
life goes on. and everything happens just like it's supposed to.
i've really been missing my family lately.
i always take them for granted when i live close to them.
but i miss them terribly.
hopefully i'll make it home to utah soon.
it's been two months since i was home.
i haven't hugged my parents and siblings in two months.
i haven't seen my grandparents and utah friends.

but it doesn't feel like that long.
life's flying by. it really is incredible how quickly it goes.
two months ago i was unsure of so many things.

i decorated my place a little bit last night.
three months after i moved in, but hey. i wasn't ready to commit to Denver.
i'm making new friends here.
i'm missing weddings and new babies back in utah.

but i know that i'm loved. and that's good enough for right now.
i'm excited to see where the next little while takes me.
i'm making life changes for the better. and i'm feeling like i'm right where i need to be.
though i never would have dreamed this life for myself, it feels like home.

i'm going to be fine. every step of the journey is the journey.
i'm learning lessons and getting back up when i fall.
life is so beautiful. it's exciting and scary and wonderful.

i've been a little out of sorts for the past couple months, trying to sort things out.
i got so caught up in the reality of it all that i forgot to stop and breathe.

i'm back.
and i'm smiling. because it's worth it.

sooo....i have a question.

does anyone still even read my blog?
seems like not really...

and if that's the case, i may just delete it.

a long update.

and by long, i mean...an update.
because, honestly, my life is kinda boring.

work:
comcast is great. free service is amazing.
i'm soooo bored of the training. it's stuff i know, and i'm more than ready to prove my stuff.
but the money rocks.
and i'm 3 miles away. it doesn't get better than that.

home:
nothing has changed at all.
i may acquire a tv soon. and the maintenance men are creeps.
and my bills are mostly caught up, so soon i can start to decorate my casa.

money:
i'm too poor to buy food.
or anything, really.
but, my bills are almost all caught up.
and that's a feat, all things considered.
in July, i will again be able to afford food.
it's going to be a joyous day.
i desperately need a new laptop. mine just literally fell apart. awesome. add it to the list of things i can't afford...

body:
well...my back is a mess.
i walk around like quasimodo a lot because it always hurts.
let me describe what is going on.
this picture is of a neck, but it's the same thing that's happening to my lower back:

the green is what it is supposed to look like.
the red is really bad. my back is between the second and and third picture, closer to the second.
basically, because of the way my spine is wanting to straighten out, my nerves are getting smashed and making my nerves fire at random in my hips and legs.

so, my back hurts all the time, but my nerves firing at random is also hell. it takes me awhile to stand up and get used to standing, and i can't bend/play like i was able to before.
my legs go numb a lot, and i can't sit on the floor or do any high impact activities anymore.
very much of a life changer for me, but i'm figuring it out.
i'm very determined that it will not run my life.

soul:
i'm adjusting to the city. it's a big change, but i like it. and i'm getting used to being mostly alone.
i actually really like being all alone. it's new, but i like being able to do whatever i want, whenver i want, without having to answer to anyone.
i'm not going to church because i feel like a hypocrite when i do go, though my ward here is nice and welcoming. just not where i'm at right now.
i am very much anti-relationship. i love handy manny, but i'm not sure i want to settle down now or ever. for now, he's my best friend. and i'm okay with that.
that being said, i have joined an online dating website because i need to meet people. it isn't my favorite thing, but what the heck? i have nothing to lose, and i might meet some really awesome people.

plans:
i'm absolutely going back to school. probably spring or fall of next year, depending on work/money.
i do want to be a teacher, but comcast is awesome. and may turn into a career.
i want to go to utah. but that may be awhile. on account of how poor i am.

i'm going to decorate my place.
i'm going to get in shape.
i'm going to find some new friends.
and figure out how to just be me.

i figure i'm 21. there's no rush to solve all of these things today. or even tomorrow. i'm having a good time. and things are working out just fine. good update?
i promise to be better. i miss my blog.

a slight change of plans...

my back has been bothering me for several weeks now.
specifically, it's been bugging since before i moved to Denver.
i thought it would get better eventually, but...it's gotten worse.
way worse.

it's time for a doctor visit.
i can barely walk. i can't sit on the floor. and i LOVE sitting on the floor.
my legs go numb when i'm sitting in certain positions.
and my hips and legs are getting really mad because of my back.

so, i'll do the thing i hate, aka suck it up and see a doctor. please bless it's not bad news.
although, i'm not too optimistic on this one. agony can't possibly be good.
<fingers crossed anyways.>

it's going to be a weekend with:
a big surprise.
roads. music. girl talk.
laughter.
ice cream. onion rings. popcorn.
relaxing.
DIY projects, maybe.
hot springs. possibly.
visiting. catching up. piano playing.
baking. naps.
LOVE.

this week was a week of eye-opening for me. i learned a few things:

a. i'm not the same girl i was five years ago. i've learned to love and be loved with no other requirements than that. i have scars that have faded, that aren't a big part of my life anymore. change is good, and definitely something to embrace. i'm eager to see the changes coming my way.

b. i was having a discussion about love and divorce and change. i mentioned that love doesn't really seem to be enough anymore. the reply, "love as a feeling absolutely isn't enough. love as a choice or decision is." i think that's beautiful and profound. it's so easy to nitpick and find things wrong in others. to accept those things, to love in spite of the challenges is beautiful. there's also a very fine line of when there's nothing left to do but give up.

c. i'm a giver. i love people. and i love helping people. it's something so deeply rooted in my soul, to deny someone help would be like saying i'm not Jaycie. a lot of people take advantage of that, and i've began to realize that it's okay to say no sometimes. i think it's important to give. whether that means listening as someone vents, giving them a ride so they don't have to spend two hours on the bus, or just simply smiling when everyone else looks away. i love. it's my thing, and i wouldn't want to change that at all.

:) also, a special shout-out to my very best friend James Dyer for being awesome and having his Master's degree thesis accepted. my lover is graduating and taking big steps in his life. i'm so proud!