to Brandon the very Larsen,

i appreciate you actually confronting me last night after you saw my blog.

obviously it upset several people, and i'm glad rather than reading too much into you you talked to me about it and asked me why i felt the way i did.

talking to me about it directly was probably the most mature of all the ways people handled it.

also, thank you for being honest about things in your life that have kept us from really being in touch and offering to help change it so we can continue to have a great friendship.

i hope you (and all of my friends for that matter) know that i love you and would do anything for you. i hope you always feel like you can come to me, even when i'm struggling and know that it is an honor to help you go through your trials, much in the way you've carried me through mine.

i'm glad you realize we both have needs and are willing to meet me halfway in order to make sure those needs are being met.

you are a one in a million guy and i'm lucky to call you my brother. i can't wait to see you next month for your recital, that by the way, you are going to absolutely rock!

i love you, always and forever,

jayc

to all of my bffs,

you have officially lost your BFF status.

each. and every one. of. you.

because, quite frankly, you suck.

why? you're mental terrorists.

and you are mental terrorists in a pattern.

1. you be nice to me.

2. you talk to me always.

3. you always see me.

4. i get attached.

5. we become legit bffs.

6. you find a newer shinier toy. one less prone to break.

7. you put me in the corner.

8. forget about me a little.

9. and pull me out to play when it suits you.

10. my heart breaks a little.

it's a vicious circle.

and so we're not doing it anymore.

either you want to be my bff, or you do not.

there is no "let's be bffs and YOU call ME all the time when you want to talk or else I will just assume you're fine."

p.s. friendship is a two-way street.

if i make more than 2/3 of the calls and do all the traveling to see you then you probably don't deserve to be my best friend.

this applies to all of my bffs.

if i've ever called you my bff, it applies.

newsflash: i'm not calling anymore.

not unless you call too.

i love you, but i'm not going to force you to be my friend.

so now i only have two best friends:

my Mama Leishous.

and Jordan, the sister.

and Sariah, the hair do-er.

the rest of you can earn it back.

or not.

now this:

is a picture of the paper chain of hours until i get to see Sariah and have beautiful hair again.

i'm excited. oBviously.

***can i just say this does not mean i don't still consider you all friends? it just means you don't deserve the title of a best friend...

you know those people....

who, when speaking, make you want to stab your ears with pencils rather than listen to them?

well...there's one in my house. right now. as we speak.

he's doing kyle's hair or something.

i abhor him.

ew, ew, ew.

he just came in my room.

he touched my things.

and though i detest him, he has good taste in bedrooms.

he loves mine. and it DOES rock.

and it looks French because I AM French.

oBviously...

as soon as it's complete, i'll put up pictures.

it's a work in progress.

i'll probably find some amazing DIY projects this weekend.

i think i'm going home to Logan. I miss my mom.

and i have some cute ideas for throw pillows.

OMGosh! that can be my DIY project.

i. am. a. super. genius.

and my soul desperately needs a pizza date with my bestie,

even though he's not being a good bestie lately.

i could call him negligent and busy. and blissful.

ick.

love him, but i am jealous.

it is what it is.

now, excuse me. i have a fragment of a sliver from a cactus lodged in my finger; i must remove it.

you know, i should have bought the stupid thing.

and watered it too much.

to drown the savage little porcupine cactus.

i suppose that's what you get if you touch everything in every single aisle of Ikea. eventually the mutant cacti will try to hack off your fingers.

but if i don't get it out, it could be come infected. and people die from things like that.

i'm not taking any chances.

especially since there's something wrong with my neck already.

ignore this one...

all my stuff is here, but it doesn't really feel like home.

people come over pretty much every day, but they aren't really my friends.

and this isn't really my place.

i don't belong.

at least...not yet.

i'm trying. i promise.

it's just hard.

i'm a stranger in a big, unkind city.

faces aren't familiar.

things are changing every single day.

i'm not sure where i fit here.

i know i might seem like i've got this under control.

it's quite the opposite, really.

i'm walking into uncharted territory.

i'm scared and alone.

so bear with me, please.

offer a hand. i'll grab it.

if i don't laugh at your jokes, it's because there's a lot on my mind.

laughs have been few and far between.

i'm trying. but i'm not good at this.

i'm a runaway girl. i leave when it gets hard.

but there's nowhere to run anymore.

i need people. and i don't really have any here.

so i'm doing things by myself.

i went to church today. it's been awhile.

i guess you could call it progress.

it just felt like another place i don't really fit.

i'll keep exploring.

and i'm sure eventually i'll fit somewhere i fit.

i've been used to steady hands holding me up.

and now i'm standing alone.

i don't like it.

and i don't belong.

not yet.

but maybe someday.

this weekend...

"what are your plans this weekend?"

ugh. i hate this question. why? because i'm a loser.

i don't make plans.

and i don't do anything. ever.

i'm not going home this weekend. i've been banned on account of the super bowl.

they don't want me there. because i'm a distraction.

no one even likes football.

and so i'm staying at home in salty lake.

and i will entertain myself all weekend or something.

i think i'll go see 127 hours, probably by my lonesome.

maybe tomorrow after work.

saturday, i'll probably don some comfy shoes and go exploring around my place.

i might hit up some super secret club that helps people do stuff.

i'll probably eat too much, sleep a ton, and maybe finish putting up the twinkly lights.

sunday: i'm so finding the ward i'm supposed to be in.

i need to meet people. almost as badly as i need to breathe.

then again, maybe i won't take one single step outside my place.

i might just watch the entire first season of Burn Notice.

it's just been sitting there waiting for me since before christmas.

i'm not busy, so maybe i'll become a spy vicariously through that hot guy in the sunglasses.

a-freakin'-men. yay for weekends.