moving plans....

i finally found a job i plan on keeping for awhile.

i'll be working at the Salt Lake airport in an Italian-style cafe called Sbarro.

who can even pronounce that? not this girl!

the perks to this job:

full medical and dental benefits. if i need/want them.

it's full-time.

and after a year they'll pay for most of my schooling.

who can say no to that?

so i have some plans.

you know, after i find a place of my own.

i have all sorts of cute girly decorations and things.

but i have no furniture. but rather than buy it, i think i'll go to garage sales and find my furniture that way. and just paint it and make it all cute.

i'm going to start sewing my Animal Pillows. i want a whole zoo of Animal Pillows.

i have a stack of books to read.

a list of movies to watch.

and i need to catch up on my TV shows. like the fourth season of Dexter.

i want to expand my music collection.

I want to bake more.

workout a little. sleep a lot.

figure out where i stand with religion and spirituality.

meet new people and do new things.

spoil Wallice a little extra. because he's super cute.

it might seem a little selfish, but i'm excited to take care of me and figure things out.

it's something i've been missing lately.

in any case, it all seems like a good plan.

a new place. with new hair. a new job. lookin' for a new place.

i can't wait! :)

My #1 issue with the church...

This article is the reason I'm struggling with the church.

I'm going to put this right out there. I'm straight. I am attracted to men. And I can't comprehend being attracted to a woman on any level. It's the way I am and have always been.

I have friends who are attracted to members of their same gender. They can't comprehend being attracted to members of the opposite gender on any level. It's the way they are and have always been.

So to release a statement saying that, "The Church's doctrine is based on love. We believe that our purpose in life is to learn, grow and develop, and that God's unreserved love enables each of us to reach our potential. None of us is limited by our feelings or inclinations. Ultimately, we are free to act for ourselves." Seems a little backwards to me. You're saying that doctrine is based on LOVE, yet you ask members dealing with issues of same-gender attraction to "resist temptation." Never are you allowed to give in. It's only a sin if you act on it.

Ever heard of Electroshock Aversion Therapy? They used to do it at BYU in a study. Basically, they hook up the genitalia of men with issues of same-gender attraction to a machine and expose them to pornography. When the machine senses the man becoming aroused, he receives a shock. When young men and boys sought help from their bishops, they often received this treatment. Because the way the church is set up, sins of that magnitude and their treatment plans do not have to be released to parents. Often, parents weren't aware that their sons were being traumatized and abused in that way.

I have a big problem with this. The church speaks out against pornography during EVERY SINGLE General Conference. Yet, "sometimes" it's okay to use it? Like when "trying to cure an abomination in the sight of God." If something is proclaimed "sinful," it shouldn't have any exceptions.

They're finally coming out and saying that they don't know the cause of "same-gender attraction," yet they still insist that it's merely a temptation that can be overcome. I don't know about you, but being attracted to men isn't something I could ever "overcome." It just seems silly to ask members to change something that seems so completely inborn.

I have several dear friends who are attracted to members of their same gender. There is NOTHING wrong with them. They are some of the most kind, gentle, and loving people I know. They work hard, in respectable jobs, and lead quiet lives. Yet they are constantly bombarded by people who consider them "monsters" and "sinners."

I'm not okay with it. I try to love everyone, and will continue to love everyone. I don't necessarily agree with their choices. But I don't disagree either. All I know is they are just as deserving of love as anyone else. And for a church where the "doctrine is based on love" to ask members NOT to search for someone they can love, honor, and cherish is morally repulsive to me.

Judge me, think horribly of me, whatever. But this is how I feel and I will not back down. If I'm going to be damned because I'm willing to fight for others, then I guess Hell will be a better place because I'm there.

the phone code fiasco...

about a week ago, i thought it would be good to go through my phone and eliminate all the codes i've been using.

my code, though perfect to me, confused others, so i changed it to be more user-friendly. i was told it was juvenile to keep a code for my phone friends.

my code included things like:

! :) this meant they could be considered a best friend.

(att) meant they were an attachè

(RHA) or (RA) meant they worked with me in Housing.

(rs) meant they were my visiting teachers from relief society.

...the gorgeous meant i had a crush on them at one point.

and then of course there was the Code of Names which includes:

Buzz Lightyear

The Funk

The Other Nick

Aryan B****

Amazon B****

Lesbaru B****

Best Friend!

Tanner who i never want to talk to.

Stranger

Spidee

Sexy Steven

Hot Mamasita!

Foxy Cleo

FEC Tim

Fool #2

Crazy Tammie

to look at those ones, YOU would never know who they are.

yet, when looking for Josie Osborn in my phone, i can't search for Josie Osborn. by habit, i search for my aryan b****. she's the blue eyed, blond love of my life.

i love "tanner who i never want to talk to." that was always a joke between us. i ALWAYS want to talk to him.

Hot Mamasita is Kell Thorley, Logan's mom. She's always welcomed me into her home as another daughter.

FEC Tim is Timothy Feil, my Future Eternal Companion.

and of course there's Buzz Lightyear. any guesses on this one? he's most certainly my bishop. i'm in his phone as Jaycie Penny.

the code goes ON and ON and ON....

when i tried to change my code for everyone else, it didn't work for me.

it took me sooo much longer to find my peeps this way. i was confused to the MAX!

the THREE HOURS i spent changing everyone in my phone from Code to Actual Identity took so long because i had to ask a lot of people for their last name. i never cared to know them because they weren't important to me.

i guess i'm just that person. i'd rather identify with my fun codes than try to conform to the ways of the world and identify based solely on names.

after less than an hour, i was overjoyed to have it back to MY code...where i can find people the way i know them.

speaking of which, i just got a text from my Amazon. i'll catch ya'll later!

the hard question...

There’s a question that’s been rolling through my mind lately that I’ve wanted to ask the people I love. It’s one I’ve wanted to ask, yet I haven’t because it’s a hard one, one I’m not sure I want answered.

If I follow my heart, but my heart leads me down a path against everything you believe in, will you still support me?

People always tell me, “I just want you to be happy.”

Though, the cynic in me always silently asks, “Do you really?”

And it might just be ignorance on my part, but I honestly feel like most of the people in my life only want me to be happy if the way I’m living correlates with their own beliefs.

For the past couple months, I’ve distanced myself from the Church. Some would argue that I’ve allowed my temptations to get the better of me, that the distance comes because I’m not living the way I should. I’m the first to admit that I’m far from perfect.

Though I try, I often slip up on my journey through life. I know to some it will look like I’ve been looking for a reason to leave. It’s actually been quite the opposite.

I’ve been looking for a reason to stay.

So I ask the questions no one has answers to, the ones that nag at me, that make it hard to sleep.

Rather than receiving answers, I’m told that I need to have more faith. That I need to live better, that I need to pray more and study harder. And if I do all those things with a righteous desire, the answers will come.

I’m sorry, but that’s not good enough anymore.

There have been times when I’ve been living “the way I should,” when I’ve done my very best, and yet the answers still haven’t come. I don’t think it’s because I didn’t try hard enough. I think it’s because the questions I’m asking have answers that don’t necessarily fit the church’s viewpoints, so if the answers come I don’t acknowledge them as truth.

I want so badly to fit in, to be able to live blissfully unaware of things that could potentially destroy the foundation I’ve built my life on.

And yet, there are too many things in the church that I disagree with. I’ve been taught all my life that people outside the church are just living lives of pleasure and that the only way to be truly happy is to live by the teachings of the church.

Excuse me?

Are you trying to say that the 6,987,000,000 people who AREN’T members of the Church are all unhappy? That they can’t know true happiness?

I don’t buy that. Not for a second.

I also don’t believe that my questions are the result of wickedness. I’m not a bad person. Yes, I make mistakes, but yet, I’m still me. I smile and laugh just the same. I’m just as funny, just as worthy of love as I’ve ever been.

I refuse to believe that leaving the Church will diminish God’s love for me. as I listened to tidbits from conference last weekend, I couldn’t help but think, “Do you realize you were capable of having those thoughts yourself? The Spirit doesn’t need to lead your life 100% of the time…you’re capable of having unique thoughts.”

There are a few things I know for certain:

God loves me. How could he not? I’m great.

His son, my Savior, Jesus Christ lived and died for me, to take my sins so I can be whole one day.

I love Him, my Brother, my Friend. He lived the perfect life, an example of love and light.

I believe in being honest and kind.

This world was created for me, that I might learn and grow and find ways to be happy.

I know that I have a purpose on this earth. What it is, I’m not sure of yet.

I believe in an after-life, and I strive for Heaven.

Yet, if Heaven is full of the people who judge me and make my life harder, then I’m not sure that’s where I really want to be. I want to be accepted, just the way I am.

I think the Church is full of truth, but I also think other religions also have a lot of truths too. God is too big for one church. I’m pretty sure as long as I live my life trying always to be like Him, I’ll find a way in this world. I don’t depend on the Church for truth. I don’t depend on the people in the Church for truth. I depend only on me, which is how I think I like it.

To me, God is love.

I am loved. And for now, that’s all that matters.

send me on my way....

every time i wake up the morning of a road trip, i sing this in my head.

{my roadtrips tend to look something like this...feet dangling out the window, no cares in the world.}

i'm heading back to cedar city for the weekend. i'm both excited and completely dreading it.

excited:

i get to see my loves.

i get to be in the place my heart claimed as home after being homeless for awhile.

there will definitely be some

shenanigans.

and lastly, two words: Golden Spoon.

dreading:

the heat.

the cops.

the serial killers.

(okay, i don't think cedar city has any...this was a joke. clearly watching Dexter non-stop has gotten to me. i digress.)

lastly, being in the place my heart calls home. it's bittersweet considering i might not make it back for awhile.

you know how you have that favorite place to be, the one you'd spend your whole life if you could?

well for me, that place is cedar city.

but the winds of change are blowing in my life.

and i honestly don't think i'll end up in cedar city again.

at least not right now. and not for awhile.

it's kind of heartbreaking, leaving my Home.

but i've found leaving usually leads to somewhere better for the soul.

i guess we'll see, won't we?

thanks for making the journey a little lighter as you send me on my way!

wherever the road leads

YOU in the next little while...

take a leaf out of my book and totally

rock it! :)