Tuesday, August 7, 2012

this time i mean it...

i'm back. for real. and i solemnly swear i really mean it.

i had a date tonight with a wonderful guy.
he's sweet, sensitive, and we have so much in common, it's a little crazy.

today was such a good day.
went and had a massage, which really helped my back relax a little.
splurged on a new dress, since i was a. out of clean clothes, and b. nothing else fits.

didn't think about handy manny much at all today.
definitely was preoccupied by this new guy.

we had an amazing talk after our date tonight.
we both opened up about a lot of things.
for now, we'll be friends and see where things go.

he brought me flowers. he missed the memo about dandelions. but they're completely gorgeous.
maybe they are my new favorite flower?

it was a perfect night.
and i'm really excited about where things are heading in my life.
in other news, my Arrested Development obsession is getting a little out of hand.
can't wait for Burn Notice this Thursday.

i'll be home in ten days.
that means golden jade.
and visiting puppies and family.
catching up with friends.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

even on my weakest days...

i get a little bit stronger.

this song's been on repeat in my head.

handy manny broke my heart. i thought he was the one.
and he's decided that he doesn't want to be. he needs to try things out with another girl.
we spent some time together this week around his roadtrip. and it wasn't the same as it used to be.
i realized i poured my entire heart and soul into a relationship that he didn't want.

the worst part for me is that it was a selfish action on his part.
i truly believe we could have been happy together.
he ignored his feelings for me because he wanted this other girl more.
he likes her better. she's his first choice.
and i'm his second choice. who makes a convenient toy to play with when she's not around.

i deserve so much more than that.

lately things have been changing. i have been changing. mostly for the better, i think.

i've quit some bad habits and replaced them with better ones.
there are a lot of things that don't make me happy.
i've realized those things and i've started the process to getting them fixed.

instead of listening to me, Handy Manny told me I seem like a two-face bitch.
i said something to him and then said it to someone else in another context, which he felt made my words to him insincere.
he didn't give me an opportunity to explain that things he'd said to me earlier had made me realize other things about myself. things that i wanted, that i need.
it's hard. having my best friend and lover decide to view me through narrowed eyes. it's hard, taking the fall for every little thing, to be yelled at for feeling a certain way and doing certain things...

but i'm getting a little bit stronger.

i love him still. and i'm sure there will always be a little Handy Manny spot in my heart.
but i'm out. i can't let this hurt me anymore. it doesn't get to run my life.
he's the first thing i think about in the morning and the last thing i think about before i go to sleep.
but i haven't cried as much today.
and i'm sure i won't cry too much tomorrow.

what seemed impossible three weeks ago doesn't seem quite so hard anymore.
it feels like it's been forever since he replaced me with her.
my heart that felt like it was being ripped apart has calmed to a more bearable ache.
and i'm glad she was gone long enough for us to really get everything out of our systems.
i wish them the best. truly. if he thinks she'll make him happy, i hope she can.

and though i'm terrified, i'm also a little excited about where the road might lead me.
i have a good feeling though today.

things i've been blessed with today:
my mom and dad. even though they aren't here with me, they're never very far.
my friends. both here and back home. they keep me going when i'd rather give up.
i have james. we've got five good years in. and he's a keeper.
my back. though it's falling apart, at least i have one. and at least i can still walk.
poos and sunscreen that will melt away this hard week.
peace. from a Heavenly Father who gets it. who cries with me. and smiles with me.
grapes. because that's my favorite food today.
and pain killers that will get rid of this headache and let me sleep...

i'm getting a little bit stronger.