21 things to do before i'm 21...

i have a bucket list. i do.

only thing is, it's kinda sorta hidden in my mind...

and on this list are important, cliché things

like

"change a life"

and

"love someone it would be easier to hate"

and there are quirky, jaycie-esque ones

like

"have sex in the wild"

and

"only order dessert in a 5-star restaurant"

but, recently i've been thinkin'. i don't want a bucket list.

because it might take forever to die and i wanna do stuff Now!

so i've decided to compile a list, right this minute, of twenty-one things i will do

(or at least try to do)

before i turn 21! naturally, i'll document them all for you! :)

1. lose 21 pounds.

although, if this only ends up being 2.1 pounds, i might be okay with that.

2. take silly photos in a photobooth with my bff Brandon the very Larsen.

3. go fishin'.

i've never been fishing, but i've always wanted to!

4. have a hobo roadtrip

and spend a night in the Redwood Forest!

5. kiss a complete stranger.

6. eat squab.

i don't know what "squab" is, but i'm sooo tryin' it.

they talk about it on the Food Network all the time.

7. successfully complete

p90x.

(in the designated 90 days.)

8. be a rebel and get a real tattoo.

okay, a real henna tattoo....

9. buy a cactus and watch that sucker grow.

no way is that thing dyin' on my watch!

10. take or be in a picture every day for an entire month.

just to remember the days between.

11. gulp. go on 21 dates...

(i have a feeling i'll come to regret this one...)

12. spend the summer of '11 in a far away place...

working, adventuring, etc.

13. volunteer in a soup kitchen.

14. find the perfect pair of jeans

and buy them without batting an eyelash.

15. trade in facebook for the self-realization and peace

that comes through the practice of zen...this shall occur for just ONE month.

16. get a kit and learn how to make balloon animals.

17. have an Oscar Meyer Weiner-mobile experience....

preferably ride in it, but i'll settle for just a pic.

18. go to the ocean and play with REAL sea stars in the tide pools!

(they are my favorite animal of course!)

19. for those of you who are cache valley natives,

you'll know what i mean by saying i shall

Clean The Sink

by myself!

20. ride on a San Francisco trolley while hangin' off the back and singing the

Rice-A-Roni theme song....

21. it is my wildest dream to be a contestant on:

okay, now that we've got that sorted out...i better get started! :)

just some thoughts.

life is….fleeting.

yes, fleeting is a good word for it.

hard as I try, I can’t grasp it.

and it flows along, paying little attention to one like me.

I’ve been having an internal struggle lately.

a life crisis, if you will.

I can’t decide what I want from life.

so I settle for the easy things, the meaningless things.

but they aren’t easy, and are rarely meaningless.

I feel selfish and vain.

I live a life full of small luxuries

in a world where others constantly suffer

at the hands of people

more power hungry and callous than I can even imagine.

I’m struggling with the world, and I don’t understand, can’t make sense of this mess….

how can a place this beautiful be filled to the brim

with things like murder, lies, rape? Suicide? Theft? Genocide? Callousness? Anger? Hurt?

Families are broken beyond repair.

Lovers leave.

Best friends betray.

People lie.

Maybe I’m just too sensitive.

It’s hard for me to go places and not find myself touched by everyone around me.

a mother consoling her child.

a husband winking at his wife over the chaos of their small children.

a little old couple, holding hands, oblivious to the world.

I’m sensitive.

More sensitive than I’d like to admit.

I feel everything.

Very little escapes my awareness, and I remember most everything.

I hide behind smiles and laughs, hoping that people will see beyond the Crazy and try to get a glimpse of the Jaycie.

She’s great.

And she’s been through a lot.

But that rarely stops people from judging, saying harsh words, avoiding because it’s easier that way.

sometimes I wish I didn’t feel.

It would certainly be easier that way.

but then I’d be no better than everything I don’t like in the world.

maybe the world needs more me.

more love, more smiles, more laughs, more Crazy.

a little more hope in a world where apathy is embraced.

a little more gentleness.

a little more courage.

a little less hate.

a little more love.

a little more fun.

it’s fleeting. flying. sliding by….

it’s a broken, wretched, beautiful life.