Monday, February 22, 2010
i've been contemplating how to write this for quite awhile, thus i haven't updated my blog for quite some time. a couple weeks ago i promised my bff/adopted brother Brandon that i'd write my next blog about him.
i failed and wrote one Not about him. so here goes, just a little late.
i met Brandon the very Larsen within a few days of being at SUU.
i'm on the housing committee; he's an RA.
we went to the same barbecue.
he told the story of his first kiss.
it was...awkward. but funny.
so i laughed. great first encounter, i'd say!
my first best friend at SUU was a different boy, Taylor, who is also an RA. i spent a lot of time with him, so consequently, i spent a lot of time with a lot of the RA's. My favorite thing was Brandon's laugh. it's the kind of laugh that just makes everyone else laugh too.
and he can wiggle his ears!
occasional laughter and jokes (have you heard the one about the Mormon Tap An Apple Choir?) led to an unlikely friendship. you see, brandon's way cool. basically the most popular guy on campus. and i'm somewhat of a loser...so it's a wonder he even stopped to talk to me!
how did we even end up being close friend?
oh yes...i remember!
i was having some friend issues with other people and he was just around. we ended up talking and he got me through one of the roughest weeks of my life. without him talking me through it, i probably would have given up.
after that, i saw him a lot. we have this bad habit of meeting at the most ungodly hours. it usually results in the following day being a grumpy-i mean, cranky-day. but it works for us.
whether we're making shoes, editing papers, or just talking about my man drama, i know i've found a forever friend.
actually, i've found another brother.
brandon's the type of guy you can call at three in the morning and he'll just be there, no questions asked.
at the beginning of the year, he did and said some things that changed my life forever. he asked me why i was so negative about life and the situations i'd been dealt. at the time, i reasoned, "my life's been hell. i have every reason to give up. i have every reason not to trust people, to block them out."
but he made me think.
and as i thought, i couldn't help but compare my life to his...
he's been through Hell too, just like me. and yet, he smiles every day. he cheers people up, and he's positive most of the time. i say most of the time because even he, Brandon the Great, has some bad days.
the best thing about brandon isn't that he's cool. or that he's going to be a music teacher. or that he's positive. it's that he's humble. if you were to ask him, he wouldn't ever in a million years fess up to being the greatest human ever. he thinks he's just an average guy.
well, i know he's an extraordinary guy.
he's one of the most uncredible guys i've had the privilege to meet and befriend. there's an air about brandon that just makes you want to sit down and listen to what he has to say. or not say. some of the most great advice i've gotten from brandon wasn't ever even verbalized. he never tells me what to do. he gives me options and let's me decide.
he wants to be a music teacher. he wants to change lives.
well, he'll be great at it. he already is.
he's changed my life.
without brandon, i wouldn't be the jaycie i am today. i wouldn't smile as much. i wouldn't be positive and hopeful about life.
because of brandon, i have hope again. he taught me how to trust, how to love, how to let people in. i owe him so much more than he even realizes. it's my hope that everyone can have an adopted big brother as great as mine! :)
never forget how much you're loved and how much of an impact you've had on my life.
Brandon the very Larsen, do you know how much I love you? i hope you do.
i hope it's something you see in my smile and hear in my laugh.
and in like...sixty or seventy years, when you're old and wrinkly
and i'm as hot as ever, i hope you'll still be my bff.
i love you! forever and ever!
your sorta sister,
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
My name is Jaycie.
But, alas, that’s just a title, and although I’ve become quite attached, it doesn’t tell you a whole lot about the kind of person I am, the things I’ve learned from life, or any of my dreams.
So...if my name isn’t me, who am I?
Well, I’m very in touch with my emotions. Sometimes I cry. And sometimes –a lot of the time—I laugh. Life is so hard, but so beautiful, and through the years I’ve come to realize that I won’t ever fully understand most things in my life.
But I try.
And I’m passionate, oh so passionate.
I have this zest for life, this joy deep in my soul that has allowed me to reach out to others and touch their lives.
I’m slightly irresponsible, often jumping into situations that I’m ill-equipped for, but I always emerge with experiences that teach me lessons about myself. I try to be care-free, and I believe that good always prevails in the end
If something is bad, then it isn’t the end.
I’m sensitive, both to my own needs and the needs of others. I’m a helper at heart, and I can’t say no to someone in need. People are so intriguing, and if I can learn from, or touch the lives of others, I’ve done something worthwhile. There’s nothing like a good conversation with someone you’ve just met, and I often find myself in deep conversations with strangers I’ll never see again.
I’m open with people. I have a past, a story to tell, and my hope is that I can be the change I want to see in the world. I think people learn best when they’re hearing from others, and I try to listen as often as I speak, although that rarely happens.
I have an old soul, and sometimes I feel wise beyond my years. I’m not sure why I’ve had to experience the trials I’ve been given, but I’m sure the lessons I’ve learned from my trials will benefit me as I continue in the struggle called Life.
I’m a dreamer.
I have this idea that I’m big and I’m small. This world is full of beauty that is sometimes marred by the bad choices of others. And I hope more than anything that one day people will remember me, not for the things I’ve done, but for the way I made them feel. I don’t have much, just two hands and a heart. But I’m willing to give, whether it is of my possessions, my skills, or simply my time.
So who am I?
I’m not really sure. I’m not the same person today that I was yesterday, and I hope that tomorrow I’ll be different than I am now. I’m not perfect, and I doubt that I ever will be. I am trying, though, and it’s my hope that I’ll never give up.
For now, I’ll just be Jaycie—slightly irresponsible, perhaps a little crazy, and certainly more than a little hopeful.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
tonight, my life is perfect.
i've been blessed with so much more than i ever dreamed possible.
right now, my heart is breaking.
but unlike usual nights, my heart isn't breaking for me.
tonight my heart breaks for the people who have harder lives than me. there are nightmares people go through.
i've spent the last few hours reading the story of Stephanie Neilson, a woman who survived a plane wreck a year and a half ago. she has four kids, four babies who can't remember what their mom looked like before she was covered in burns. every single day, her life is painful. i read her blog for a little over an hour, not sure what the story behind the scars could be. and my heart broke over and over as i read about her pain.
i know from experience that you can't ever convey your pain through typing words. what must it be like to live a day in her life?
less than an hour after the plane wreck that changed her life, in an ambulance she said, "I don't want to do this. I want to go home and make dinner for my family."
it's been a year and a half. and though i haven't met this woman, i'm sure she looks Heavenward and says the same thing to her Heavenly Father every day when it gets hard.
i find myself saying similar things when life gets hard. i think we all do. it's much to easy to look up and say, "I don't want to do this. I have homework. I haven't slept in days, and I desperately need a shower." and yet, sometimes, for reasons we won't always understand, we'll have to do those things anyways. and we will always always always emerge a better, stronger person.
i believe that, with everything that i am. i have a hard story too. and yet, i'm doing okay.
i laugh. i smile. i cry. i scream. i wiggle.
and i know that i'm loved.
and for right now-and hopefully forever-that's enough.
i hope you know you're loved.
and i hope it's enough.
thanks for listening and being you!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
according to my sister, jordan the blunt, i am the retard of dating...
she's probably right.
i don't like dating. actually, i'll be totally honest. i loathe dating. i know it's a pre-requisite for marriage, but i'd rather skip that part of the process.
i'm currently on a 2-year dating moratorium. that's a fancy word for a necessary break. i decided to go on this break a little more than seven months ago. in that time, i've been on two dates.
is that cheating?
no. and here's why: it's a dating moratorium. not a date moratorium. it's the -ing that changes things. date is a noun. dating is a verb. my rule concerning the word: it's better as a noun.
in my history there's been very little dating. don't get me wrong, i've spent my fair share of time with the less-fair gender. i've had crushes, boy toys, love interests, etc.
i have a dear from-another-mother brother. we'll call him bryce for the sake of his privacy. we were having a chat a few nights ago about l-o-v-e. you see, i currently find myself to be infatuated with one redish-haired, boot wearin' cowboy. so i had to share the deets.
now, when most girls have a crush on a boy, they smile more, they doodle his name on their notes, dress up every day, and let’s be honest, start planning the wedding.
not this girl…
i guess for lack of a better term i could be dubbed Cynical Man Hater.
3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness.
correct me if you find my logic to be skewed, and i’ll grant you access to the full story, but i have the right to be a little weary of men.
i tend to attract the wrong kinds of guys:
bad boys with big biceps.
um….we’ll call them hormonal(?) boys. mind you, that’s putting it kindly.
homosexual boys (13 and counting.)
and my favorite of them all: the best friends.
i dislike the Best Friend kind of guy for one reason: i have enough friends. i, like every other girl want the BOYfriend. i have a whole list of guys i can call in a bind. i’ve got the best friend for crying. the best friend for movie watching. the best friend for shopping. and the best friend to change my oil and get my car un-stuck. i don’t need any more Best Friends.
and yet when it comes down to it, i won’t allow myself to have the BOYfriend. he scares the hell out of me. i’ve been damaged lots by boys. so opening up to new boys is a struggle. if they go in for a kiss, i pull away. they pinch my butt, i cut off their fingers. okay…i leave the phalanges intact, but I sometimes want to cut them off! :)
point is: i’m scared to let people in. i’m already missing some pieces and i’m afraid of losing more.
i reached an understanding tonight, tucked safely away in my little room. if i don’t at least try to let people in, no one will ever even get close.
i suppose to fully heal you have to open yourself up to be hurt a little, trusting that the people you let in won’t let you fall.
i have a date tonight. a date with aforementioned redish-hair, boot wearin’ cowboy. i’m nervous. and i will admit, a little scared. but he won’t see that side of me. i’m determined not to let that show.
i’m going on a date with a boy.
a real one.
and i might creep him out! that will be okay….
because here’s the plan: when i leave my little room, i’m taking my inner-jaycie with me. she’s nuts, in case you haven’t met her. but she’s fun. and she will have fun on that date tonight. whether or not it turns into
when i leave tonight, i will be the Jaycie i’m meant to be. the quirky, loud, talkative, little human than people grow to love. and if redish-hair, boot wearin’ cowboy doesn’t like that, then it’s not my loss.
i know that my Heavenly Father will love me just the same, quirks and all. and He won’t let me fail in the end. so yes, dating sucks. but i don't really feel like i've got that much to lose.
wish me luck?
Friday, February 5, 2010
i didn't realize how lucky i rwas. i was a victim of the times. my times. i needed everthing.
right then. and when i didn't get it, i pouted. somewhat excessively.
i took it out on myself and those around me. i made friends with the wrong guy.
but i was innocently naive, so i didn't realize it. at the time.
there's no real way to forget. substances distract. they don't help.
they sure as hell don't heal. and being uninhibited is a prison for souls.
you can say no. and if he really loves you, he won't hurt you.
intentionally or otherwise. he might try to lie. he might try to abuse. and you can say no.
you should say no.
lonliness and negativity are states of mind. choices that we impose on ourselves.
misery is a process. you don't just enter hell by accident. you take a few wrong turns.
usually on purpose.
sometimes, they don't care. and once in awhile, they do.
it's just when they're only pretending that you should be on guard.
people are rough. they don't listen. they violate. they misuse.
they also love. they care. they embrace. they teach.
let them. follow your gut. you're instincts are never wrong.
life isn't black and white. it's usually a shade of grey.
good intentions mean nothing if they're not followed by action.
don't plant hope if it's impossible to reach.
once a cheater, always a cheater.
that being said, people can change.
change just takes effort and most people are too lazy to bother.